Being Stood Up

Being stood up is strange for me.  I haven't ever been stood up before, well stood up with no explanation and no closure.  Let me set the picture... I am obviously single.  I have been on a handful of dates over the last year.  I met this guy who I thought I really might have a connection with.  We were supposed to go out last Saturday but he was out of town and didn't make it back in time respectfully text let me know, felt bad and said he would make it up to me.  We scheduled a new date for Monday.  We text most of the day and decided where to meet and a time.  Last text said see you at 7:15, I'm excited to meet you.  I text him before leaving the house and no reply.  We were already FB friends so I went on FB and to my surprise I was no longer on his friends list.  Hmm I thought something was wrong with FB surely no grown man would delete me for no reason...needless to say I went to our meeting place he didn't show after a couple text, calling his number and sending an emailing in hopes that nothing was wrong...I look and can see he is online on FB even though we aren't friends his profile is not private.  Is it normal for me to wonder what happened?  Confusion set in for sure and I could just not figure it out, everything seemed to be going good. I feel like I was owed an explanation.  I am not going to dwell on it anymore and this is the last time I will talk about it.  Please if you're a guy and you ask a woman out be respectful of her feelings.  I am hurt because of the fact that I feel like I was owed an explanation but I am not broken and I will not let this ruin me for dating other guys, I just find it odd and hope that if anyone is ever in the situation of being stood up that they know it is his loss and not yours.  We are worth so much more and I know I am worth more. In the past this would have broken me and I would have turned to food and struggled, this time I am stronger and I choose to stay stronger.  We can choose our own happiness.  I hope in life he finds what he is looking for and I hope that one day if our paths do cross he will realize what he lost out on. 

Remember you're worth it...don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're not. 

~ Amy 

20 days and a project (:

It's been 20 days today since I decided to change my life!  It's been amazing, I am not looking back.  I am so much happier and I feel 100% better.  I may not be seeing a huge loss on the scale but I have been doing circuit training 2-3 days a week and cardio the remaining days.  I had a few problems with some shin splints so have taken it easy for the last couple days.  I will be back in the swing of things soon.  Things have been a little crazy the roommates moved out and just getting everything back in order and making my house feel like my house again has been challenging.  I made over the hall bathroom with some spongebob just need to pick up the shower curtain from my mom.  It looks cute though and my son loves it. 

I think it looks cute I still need to paint the walls again and get some new flooring eventually but for now it will do.  My next project is my bathroom and then painting the room my roommates just moved out of....lots of projects going on and I love that it keeps me busy. My son certainly keeps me on my toes everyday.  I wish I lived somewhere he had more friends though.  It would be nice if he had some kids to play with.  Things are good though and I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Well that's my rambling and a quick update.  I need to get back to cleaning, tackling the hall closet is next.  Until next time, enjoy this Labor Day weekend!! 

Feeling Amazing! (:

12 days in and I feel Amazing!  This has been the best thing I could have done for myself. The awesome thing is that no one can take it away from me.  They can't take away my hard work, they can't take away my healthy eating and they cAnt take away how I feel.  I love working out, I love the new healthy foods I have been eating.  I love the fact that I haven't had any soda for 2 weeks....there is nothing better than I how feel right now.  I think the only discouraging thing for me is not seeing the number on the scale move. I know it is not the number that counts though and I know that sometimes working out causes you to gain muscle and it take a few weeks to see the pounds drop.  I am not letting this stop me! I love everything about what I am doing and for once I am putting ME first and I know I am doing the right thing for me and for my sweet boy!  Living life has a new meaning and it starts now and I couldn't be happier <3

Setting Goals

I decided to set some goals for myself....after all this is my journey.  Plus rewarding yourself for doing good makes you feel good.  My first weight loss goal is 10%.  I think this goal just fits and is a common first goal for many people.  My second goal that isn't weight loss related is to workout at least 3 nights a week. This week I have already hit 4 nights and that doesn't include today, so this goal is for next week.  I know I can do better than 3 nights but I need something to work towards.  This goal is to workout 3 nights a week starting next week for 3 weeks in a row.  I am not sure what my reward will be yet, maybe a new pair of workout pants or a top.  My reward for losing 31 pounds is to get a new sports bra because I will need one after a 31lb loss I am sure and working out in the gym with floppy boobies is not on my list of fun(: 

I think the single most thing about starting this journey again is that it is for ME.  I am doing this for myself not for anyone else.  I am proud of myself already and it has only been 6 days but that is something and for me that is a huge accomplishment already. What is better than loving yourself and giving yourself the gift to be healthy since you have it in the palm of your hands already?  It is time we start loving who we are.   I can't wait to see where this journey will take me. 

Because sometimes it just clicks!

It's amazing how you might see something on TV, or hear someone say something, or read something and you stop in your tracks and everything just clicks!  I haven't been blogging much as I had other things to do like lay on the couch, eat lots of food and get fatter.  Let's be honest sometimes that is just what you want to do.  I was laying around the other day and thinking is this it?  Is this truly my life? Then something clicked in me and I thought to myself "I don't want to be fat anymore, I am tired of living my life this way!" I went to the grocery store filled up my basket with healthy food, came home and started right then.  I didn't say oh it can wait till tomorrow or I will start Monday.  I started right then, I ate a healthy dinner...I fixed a healthy breakfast and lunch for the next day and I went to the gym.  I felt amazing, and it was like something clicked in me that hadn't for a long time.  I am tired of being on the side lines and wasting my life away sitting on a sofa eating fast food and watching weight loss shows on TV.  I am tired of people saying you have such a pretty face, I am tired of watching my friends go out and me sit home because I don't feel good enough about me to go.  I can't tell you how many times I cancel on my friends because I don't feel good in my own skin.... I want to live life, experience new things but most of all I want to be around for my amazing 6 year old.  Being a single mom isn't easy it is one of the hardest things I have ever done but I know I can do it and I want to do it right. I want to be able to kick around a soccer ball with my son on the field or just play with him at a at ground.  I realized I am worth way more than I give myself credit for and I need to remember to Believe in myself and that anything is possible! I have to be able to love myself and I know it is hard to say because so often we don't love ourselves but we need to and we can.  I got this and I have my feet pointed in the right direction for the first time in a long time. I am my biggest FAN! 

Blogging and a Recap...

I love to blog.  I just get overwhelmed and become a huge slacker.  I have so much to say and I want to get it out of my head and then I get busy and start doing other things and completely forget that I want to write down all of this stuff and then I hop in bed and go to sleep and start the day over again.  I read blogs a lot, I spend a lot of time reading blogs.  I think to myself if I have this much time to read them why I am not spending some of this time writing mine?  I don't know the answers but anyhoo here I am updating my blog for the first time in over a week or so.... I don't even know.

Vacation  - I went on Vacation it was an awesome time.  I just wish that the "family" I went with would have been more excited to be on Vacation.  I remember as a kid having to stand in lines for hours and hours to get on rides at amusement parks.  It seems like these days certain kids don't want to stand in line for more than 5 minutes.  I am sorry but you are at Disneyland at one of the peak seasons "Spring Break" if you don't plan to be in a few lines and maybe have to wait longer than 30 minutes you might as well hop the plane back home!  It is life if you want to go on a vacation during this time of the year then you shouldn't expect lines to be SHORT!!  I was so frustrated.  The good news is that my son had an AMAZING Birthday and lost another tooth!  6 years old, and I just can't believe it.  Time passes so quickly and I don't want to miss a minute of him growing up.  (If you follow me on instagram you may have seen some of these photos @lavahotgirl)

Couch to 5K - I started this program a couple of weeks ago.  Let me remind you of something, I don't excercise very often.  I had started excercising and then stopped and I am just plain lazy sometimes.  So on a very early Saturday morning I decided I was going to go outside and take a walk around my park.  I love mornings here as it is quiet not much traffic.  So I did just that, got on my walking shoes and wandered around for awhile.  I made my son go as I think it is important for him to get out and get some excercise now that the weather is getting nice.  Let me tell you he was tired after 9 minutes of being outside.  I swear winter does something to kids....I made him walk withe me anyways and we did about a mile and half in 30 minutes.  I know that is quite a long time for a mile and 30 but we were walking and he was going pretty slow.  I felt so good that I got up on Sunday and decided to start the first day of couch to 5K.  I did GREAT.  I didn't go as far as I did the day before walking but I did the entire first day workout and I finished!! I was so HAPPY and I felt good the rest of the day.  I wasn't tired like I normally am .... and then came Vacation and well all that went out the window.  However, I am back out in the morning even if it is under 40 degrees again.  I am going to bust out some couch to 5K.  I have an Electric Run 5K in September and I need to get BUSY!

Remodeling -  I am working on doing some home improvements so stay tuned for some pictures of before and after in the bathroom and bedroom.  I might even throw in some pictures of the living room, however not sure if I have any.  I am painting and getting a few new furniture items and just making it cute!  I plan to live here for another couple years so I need to make it mine and just fix it up and make the BEST of it. :)  Laters everyone! 

Bi-Polar weather and the weekend.

I live in Utah....the weather here is bi-polar I swear!  It was 60 degrees 2 days ago and today it is snowing.  Yep snow.  I have spring fever so badly.  I just want to have warm weather, not to warm but warm.  I wish it was 70-75 year round.  I think that would be the perfect weather.  The weather here is crazy, one day warm, one day cold I wish it would just make up it's freaking mind!  I want to play outside, I want to walk around the park, I want to go to the zoo.  I have so many things that I want to do.....but I can't because it is cold outside and I do not do cold.

I am however happy that today is Friday.  I love the weekend and I am so happy to get to spend some time with my son and hang out even if it is inside and we are just hanging out watching a movie and playing Xbox I am fine with that, but I would be way more happier if I could take him to the park and hang outside and get some fresh air.  I think I get seasonal depression during the winter so my body needs some Vitamin D provided by the SUN!! 

I went out to coffee with a friend last night it was nice to get out of the house and do something.  I enjoyed myself.  I like interesting people and people who are easy to talk to.  I had a good time and hope to go out again sometime soon.  My roommate and I are talking again we made up, I knew we would but I did feel like venting about the whole Xbox thing.  He is making me go out and play pool tomorrow night with his X that he is thinking about getting back together with.  It should be interesting for sure.  We will have to see what happens and how it goes.  I have never met his X he dated him during a time that we were not hanging out.  I hope that we get along it makes things much easier if you can get along with the boyfriend of your friend.  I will certainly go into this with an open mind and see what happens.  Well peeps have a good weekend! 

 



Blog Facelift, Birthday Party and my Xbox addiction

My blog got a facelift! Thanks to hubbyjacksblogattack.blogspot.com for setting up my new blog.  I love the new design and I think it is fabulous!  If your blog needs a new look seriously have him hook you up it is totally worth it.

This weekend we went to the club for my friends wifes birthday party.  I seriously hate the club unless I am going to sing some karaoke or to a dualing piano bar I don't like going.  But I went because my friend Jen was going love that girl.  We didn't stay long, but I did manage to snap a cute pic of the 2 of us that I thought I would share. :)

So I have this secret that is no longer a secret, I am seriously addicted to playing my Xbox, I am not going to lie.  I love it, I love shooting Zombies and love playing online with my niece, nephew and all of my friends and it is something my son and I enjoy playing together.  I have tons of fun doing it.  I know I am addicted to playing.  I don't need anybody telling me that I have an addiction or commenting about what I do when I am home at night....so that being said, I got in an arguement with my roommate about how much I play the Xbox (I guess I don't see that it is any of his business) we are not married he is my roommate and he is gay so why he feels that it is his business what I do at night and how much I am playing Xbox is so confusing to me.  I mean honestly this is my life I will do what I want.  If I wanted to eat an entire tub of ice cream in one night that is my business and I deal with the consequences.  I mean if we were married and Xbox was maybe interferring with our relationship or something I guess I could see his concern, but we aren't married and it isn't any of his damn business.  I am so angry, I know I have an addiction to playing but quit pointing it out and mind your own business...I could start on him about all the loser guys he dates but it isn't my business....so I don't make it my business unless he asks for my advice.  I am not asking him for advice on how much I play the xbox.  I just want him to leave me alone about it and I guess he will now that he hasn't talked to me in 3 days because I told him to mind his own business.  I don't feel like I owe him an apology, maybe I do.....?  I think if anything he should apologize and realize that my life is my life his life is his life.  I could see him being upset over it if he was in here talking to me and I turned on the Xbox all the sudden and stopped talking to him, or if we were in the middle of watching a movie or whatev... but that isn't the case.  He locks himself in his room and watches TV and plays on his iPad, I don't see me complaining or giving him issues about what he is doing I feel like he shouldn't be doing this to me either.  I also am not on the Xbox as often as he thinks.....he just comes home right around the time that we turn it on in order to play with our friends..... alright, I am done venting.  I just needed a place to get it out in writing..... happy hump day - can I say the weekend can't come soon enough! :)

Disneyland and Springtime weather.

I am so excited to be going to Disneyland and I am so excited to be able to take my son for his 6th Birthday!  I can't believe he is going to be 6, I love this kid so much and I am so happy to have him call me mom.  I was so lucky.  He is the most amazing 6 year old and so much fun.  He talks so much and makes me crazy sometimes but I wouldn't trade him for the world.  It is hard to be a single mom, but I definately would not change a thing about it.  I can't wait to get on the plane, I want to pack my suitcase yesterday.  Here is a picture of us in Disneyland in October what a fun trip that was.

I am so excited that the weather is changing and that spring is almost here.  I love just hanging out with my son and taking him to the park and doing fun things outdoors.  I have been inside all winter.  I am not a fan of winter and being in Utah we get a lot of snow and I am not a huge fan of snow either.  I am a spring, summer, fall girl for sure...and I love my flip flops.  I got to wear these babies yesterday and it was Fabulous! 

 

I did the ultimate fail yesterday and it was awesome.  I am a huge fan of my iphone, like that baby is with me all day everday.  I always know where my cell is and I use it a lot!  So I was texting my roommate he is in Texas for work...and I was getting ready to go get my lashes done.  I grabbed the keys off the table by the door locked the door and walked out, what I hadn't realized was that I grabbed my mailbox keys...and I had now locked myself out of my house.  With my roommate in TX and my only spare key in my car (which was also locked) I kind of freaked a little!  I had to call the lash place and reschedule $20.00 since it wasn't 24 hours notice.  It is a good thing it wasn't snowing and we had spring like weather.  I checked all the windows and they were locked....I am crazy I lock up everything.  I went to the neighbors and borrowed a credit card to jimmy open my back door if I could, the deadbolt wasn't locked....easy peasy yep....unlocked that sucker grabbed the keys jumped in the car and headed to the lash place which isn't close.  I was only 8 minutes late to my appointment and I didn't have to pay the fee....Awesome!  Here is a pic of my fabulous lashes (the pic looks kind of creepy but you get the idea) I will post a better one, I get them done at the Cherry Lash Lounge if anyone is in Utah let me know I will give you the information I love them.  Well that is all I got going on today, going to a dance club with some friends tomorrow night for a friends Birthday that should be interesting. :) Have a good Friday everyone! 

Obsessed with the Bachelor and Disney fever...

I am seriously obsessed with watching the bachelor, I can't wait to watch the Season Finale tonight.  I promised my friends son I would play Xbox with him tonight (yes I am a mom, yes I play xbox get over it).  So I have a plan to set up the small tv with the bachelor on a tv tray and then play xbox on the big tv with my friends son...... can we say obsessed.  I keep wondering who Sean is going to pick and I have a feeling he isn't going to pick anyone and that maybe the letter he gets at the end is from Dez, but I don't know.  It starts in a little over an hour and I am so excited to watch it.  I am going to pick up some dinner before hand so that I don't have to leave.  I usually watch everything on DVR, but I know if I do that then my mom will text me and tell me what happens and I don't want to miss anything or find out anything before it happens and I see it live all by myself.

 I also have Disney Fever.... in 25 days I will be in the happiest place on earth!  I freaking can't wait, I am taking my son for his 6th Birthday.  We are going with my mom, my aunt and my 2 cousins and we are flying!! So HAPPY!  I am crazy as we were just there in October but I love love love Disneyland and I love that we are flying instead of driving and I am just so happy and can't freaking wait.  I want to pack right now.  I really would if I had a suitcase here I would start packing today! :)  Well that is enough for now.  I can't wait for Disney and can't wait for the results of the Bachelor tonight! YAY!

Eyelash extensions and why I love mine....

So I don't have the best eyelashes in the world, they aren't very dark they seem short and they don't curl.  So I decided to try some eyelash exensions.  So first and foremost, go to someone experienced in a salon where they have all the amazing tools to do them correctly the first time.  I had some issues with my lashes originally, that being said the girl who did them is Amazing....but I think going to the salon made my experience much more worthwhile.  I went in and they removed my old extensions since they don't guarantee anyone elses work and only guarantee theirs.  The guy who did them Tim was amazing and made me feel comfortable the minute I walked in.  I will say lashes aren't cheap....but beauty never is right?  So he took off the old ones and then had me rinse off the solution they used to get the old ones off.  Then he taped me up, seriously you feel like you are going to have major eye surgery.  This shit takes longer than lasik :)....2 hours in the chair - however worth every minute and dime.  So they basically are gluing individual lashes to all of your natural lashes.  They look and feel natural but so much more beautiful than my natural lashes.  I felt a little bad as I did fall asleep as he was doing them, but who wouldn't when you are relaxing in a huge black leather lazy boy.  I will have to post some pictures because they really do look Amazeballs!  I am a huge fan of my eyes (yes tooting my own horn) they are one feature on my body that I have never complained about.  The lashes just bring them out even more.  I have tried all the fancy mascara and the thing I like about lash extensions, no more clumpy mascara, no eyelash curling, the only thing I have to worry about is taking care of them....I love that I don't have to wear mascara anymore and crimp my lashes with the lash curler only to not have them curl and be disappointed in every mascara I have ever tried.  So if you are ever thinking about lash extensions I highly recommend them.  They are Fabulous!  I am giving the blog an overhaul in the next couple of months, looks for some changes and I am also hoping to get some more followers! So send some readers my way.  I look forward to any comments or suggestions. Much love until next time. :)

Let's talk public bathrooms ya'll...

I seriously hate public bathrooms. I hate them. I think they are dirty, gross and nasty. With that being said they are ultimately unavoidable. If you work in an office, most likely you don’t have your own little private bathroom. Women are nasty, I am just gonna say it, so are men….but women what are you thinking. Clean up after yourself, if you make a mess in the stall clean it up…. I won’t go into details about things I have seen or heard in my office bathroom but it has made my stomach churn. I am just gonna tell you, cell phones should not be talked on in the public bathroom, if I can hear you texting, playing a game whatevs, it is nasty! I just think that there is a time to be talking on your phone and texting and it isn’t while someone is in the next stall to you taking a crap! I don’t even want to listen to you take a crap much less the person on your cell phone hearing it….flush the toilet a couple times no one wants to hear that nasty crap! Seriously you think the person on the other end of the phone wants to hear what the neighbor in the bathroom is doing – I promise you this “THEY DON’T”. This is my work bathroom, let’s talk about public bathrooms…. Target, Walmart, Fast Food joints, it is even worse, so if you can imagine how bad my work bathroom is let’s walk into a Walmart and see what kind of stuff is on their floors….most of you know that I am single mom….let me tell you I am like a bathroom Nazi…I won’t let him touch anything. He tries to lift the seat and I pretty much freak out on him. It is nasty, nasty, nasty…. I am off my bathroom rant.

Dating and my Crazy day.

I will start off with my crazy day..... I am a single mom, I get up at 4:00 everyday and take my son to my moms which is about a 20 minute drive in the other direction of my office.  I drop him off and then head into the office and then after work, I drive 20 minutes back to pick him up from school and then head home.  I am so thankful that my mom is so helpful and watches my kiddo everyday because I seriously don't know what I would do without her.  So today was crazy busy at work, and then I went to get my kiddo.  I had to pee something crazy, so we stopped off at my moms, used the bathroom and headed out.  We were half way home, and my kiddo seems to throw a fit anytime I take the freeway (he wants to drive on the side roads, it is slower and by the time we get home his friend is home from school)..... so anyhoo we skipped the freeway on ramp, and my kiddo saw an officer on the side of the road, he was up on the curb and my kiddo wanted to know if he could do that....well it isn't against the law or anything, next thing I know I see all these cops, swat teams, headed up the off ramp... I was at the light waiting for it to change.  I looked over and saw they had weapons out and I seriously thought they were gonna shoot someone, my kiddo was crying because he can see everything also (that's how freaking close we were).  Well the car that they were after comes flying down the off ramp and I swear I have never seen so many police officers flying off the freeway in my life.... seriously like 50 of them would not be an exaggeration, it was nuts and super crazy scary all at the same time.  They spiked the guys tires and did a pit maneuver and caught him.... it was honestly the most insane thing I had ever seen, and anyone who knows me, knows how crazy I am and obsessed with police chases etc..., so of course I pulled my ass over and snapped a few photos.  It was insane!  So many people, so many cops, news etc.......

Ahh on to my dating life..... I hate dating, and I also hate being single.  I have been single for 3 + years since I kicked out my X.  I have dated a few times, but nothing serious.  I just hate dating.  I don't know how to take people, I am not a good date, I don't know what to say and I am super awkward.  I have been on 4 dates over the last few months and only one of them kept in touch and wanted to go out again (probably because he was more awkward then I was on our date)!!  I have been talking to a new guy for almost 2 months now, and we have yet to go out.  I just want to go out with him already.  I feel like we know each other pretty well and I just want to meet him already and see what the heck is going to come of it.  Even if we are just friends then I am ok with that, I just want to know.  I have some anxiety about going out with him, because what if he doesn't like me and then all the fun of getting to know him over the last 2 months will be done....what if he does like me, but the feeling isn't mutual... what if we both like each other then what?  Where do you go from there.... dating isn't natural I decided.  I also think I self sabotage my dating.... in my head I don't think I am good enough, I know I am overweight, and just knowing that makes me automatically think that the guy I go out with is going to judge me based on my weight.  I have had it happen so I just assume it will always happen and I freak myself out about it.  I know I need to put myself out there but how do you do that exactly and why does it have to be so scary......well we will see if he asks me out, we were supposed to go to dinner this week and now I am not so sure.  I have this strange feeling he might back out and it honestly wouldn't be the first time someone has.  I think this all stems back to my friend the DB one..... yeah him... you can read about him here post and I think that is what worries me the most.  If he was my best friend and treated me that way because of my weight then anyone could do the same thing, and even though you try to not let it hurt it still does.... day by day though I am getting stronger.

A new idea...

So when I first started blogging I had decided that I was doing a weight loss blog and I really didn't know what to write about.  I read a lot of hilarious blogs.... mine doesn't even compare.  I realized though that my writings should be just that .... my writings.  Even if what I am writing about doesn't pertain to weight loss it still might be interesting to someone who is out in the crazy blog land reading my posts (which there isn't many of you).....
I was thinking this weekend about my weight loss and how it has been up and down.  I found someone to go to weight watchers with me and I am super excited about someone else being there and helping me be accountable to going to my meetings.  I have the hardest time sitting through the meetings sometimes.  I hear people talk about the amazing experience at the WW meetings they go to, and I have yet to find that.  I am a people person, well I think I am.  I think I am pretty amazing and funny, but for some reason I just don't click with the people at the meetings that I go to.  It seems that they are already in some sort of WW group that I don't belong to.  I have tried talking to people at the meetings and they seem closed off and not friendly.  It is hard when you go to these meetings expecting people to be nice and welcome because they are struggling with the same things you are.  Honestly I find the people more motivating online on the blogs I read.  I have never had someone sit by me at a WW meeting.  I know I don't smell, maybe they just don't like my perfume - but whatever the reason it is the strangest thing I have ever encountered.  I am happy to have someone else be there with me just so that I am not alone.  This week marks my 16 weeks of WW - I get an award and I have lost 15 pounds.  I am so happy to know that even though it has taken me 16 weeks to get there that I have lost almost a pound a week with no real excercise and for that I can be proud.  I am proud of what I have accomplished in those 16 weeks.  Speaking of excercise, I bought a kettle ball and a kettle ball workout video I am excited to get started.  I bought some new furniture this weekend that I love, but now I have an old couch and chair in the middle of my living room, can't wait for it to be picked up so I can pull my treadmill back out and start working on the couch to 5K, I have read so many things in blog land that couch to 5K really worked and has helped many people on their journey as well as helped them drop some pounds. I am hoping that it will work for me.  We will see, I want to get to a place that if I go out on date I know that the person isn't judging me based on my looks and not getting to know the real me - because god knows that has happened more than once.  I will post more on my dating life in my next post.... I am supposed to go to dinner with a friend this week so we will see how it goes. :D Until next time.

I am a work in progress

I am a work in progress....
I might not be the prettiest girl.
I might not be the funniest girl.
I might not be the thinnest girl.

I am me, I am a work in progress.  I am working everyday to be a better version of myself.  I might not be the best, but I am worth it.  I am doing something about it, I am trying and that is more than I can say for others.  I hate negativity.  I hate not being who I want to be.  I am trying.  I know that one day how hard I work will pay off.  It might not be tomorrow, it might not be next week.  But it will pay off and I will be the best version of me that I can be.  I get so tired of dating and having people say that I have a beautiful face, I spoke of that in my last post.  I don't want to just be the girl with the pretty face.  I have so much more than offer and I am tired of people not seeing that about me.  I know that one day they will and I will have moved on.  I try not to let the past impact me, but it does.  It is hard to know that someone won't talk to you because of what you look like.  It is sad, and it hurts. 

I am a work in progress..... I have lost 15 pounds since starting WW and that is something.  

Reality and the girl with a pretty face....

Reality is..... I am FAT.  I know in life we don't ever want to face reality, but the truth of the matter is that sometimes we have to.  I am trying everyday to be a better mom, a better friend and a better version of me.  It is hard though, and it gets harder when people kick you when you are already feeling down.  I joined WW 10 weeks ago, and I am trying to eat healthier and it is hard....everything we want in life is hard but we fight for what we want and I am a fighter.  2013 is my year.... and I have been kicked already.... I have had a few struggles the last few years.  The loss of someone I thought was my best friend because of my weight.  I know we can say well he is shallow and he wasn't really your friend anyway.  The truth is he was honest with me.....he didn't sugar coat the reality of the fact that I am FAT...but what hurt is he was my friend and it ruined our friendship.  Recently I was talking to someone....this person seemed Awesome.  He said something about FAT people and I realized, wow this person has seen my face but he hasn't seen me....the thing is I am Awesome, it's true... I have an awesome personality, my laugh is infectious.... I love to smile, I love to make people happy and I am probably one of the most forgiving people you will ever meet in your life... but I am a "bigger person"..... I sent this person a picture of me and that is how he classified me.  He said you have a gorgeous face and that is what attracted me to you...but I didn't realize you were a "bigger person".... I can say what an ass, but it's true.  I am a bigger person I have been for way to long.  I haven't ever truly focused on myself and taken care of me.  Truth is that I need to, I am important.  I need to do this for me and for my son so that I am here for a long time to take care of him.  I realize what this person said was so hurtful it made me feel so small.  It made me feel like I wasn't worth anyones time, and that I didn't deserve to be happy.  The truth is that I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to have someone want to spend time with me.... and if this person or my old friend didn't want to spend time with me how I am now then they don't deserve to spend time with me at all.  I am worth so much more than that.  I know I am worth more.  I will Rock 2013.....I plan to blog more often, workout more often and continue with my WW and my goal to lose 60 pounds by the time I go to Florida in June to see my sister... I can do this one day at a time.  I thank all of the assholes who tell me that I am just a girl with a pretty face because one day I will be a girl with a pretty face and a hot body and you won't see this girl even looking your way.  The sad thing about that is I am Awesome and you won't ever get to see anything beyond your shallow way of thinking...... here I am come 2013, I am not looking back ever again this is my year.