How you made me feel.....a reflection.

So if I am honest and I am putting it all out there then why not say something about one of the people who has hurt me the most.  A person that I considered to be my Best Friend.  I am writing this post only because I feel like this had a huge impact on me, my life, who I am and where I am now.  It isn't the reason I am overweight, the reason I am who I am as it doesn't define me, but it impacted me.  There are always certain things in your life that impact you, past issues, things that happened in your life and multiple other things that may have contributed to your weight gain, weight loss etc., the thing that matters the most is figuring out the reasons behind your overeating.  Try to figure out what is behind it and find a common balance or a control over it.
What happened to me was a sad situation.  I am not the perfect friend or do I claim to be, but I feel like I am a good friend, I am one of those friend that will have your back almost always (although my friend told me to cross out the almost part).
My Best Friend hurt me.  I am not sure he realizes he hurt me.  I am not sure he even realizes how I feel.  What he said changed me.  You would think that what he said would make me want to go out and have weight loss surgery, crash diet, lose weight the unhealthy way....It didn't, it didn't even make me want to get healthy, what it did was hurt, it hurt more than I could probably even describe in words.  I am someone who eats out of boredom, sadness, hurt feelings, feelings of defeat that is who I am.  I realize that now, I also wouldn't do the crazy things described above no matter how anyone made me feel.  However, instead of doing the things I knew I should I did everything I shouldn't.  I knew that I should be "getting healthy for me" but instead of doing that, I ate.  I felt sad, I felt hurt, I felt betrayed and I felt like if my Best Friend can't love me for who I am then who can.  Completely the wrong attitude but at the time I wasn't in a good place like I am now.  Part of the reason I haven't written about it before now.  So here is goes now that you have a little history.

I met him 11 years ago, when I wasn't thin but I was healthy.  Through the years we have always been friends, even though I liked him more than that.  We were friends during my relationship with my X, through my pregnancy through his various trips across country.  We were friends, we were Best Friends.  During the years my weight fluctuated and when I delivered my son I was at an all time high of 305lbs., it had ups and downs and I lost some and gained more but we were still friends, amazing friends.  We were the kind of friends who always had fun together even if it was spending New Years eve in a grocery store, driving around town looking at houses, taking road trips together it was always an adventure and always fun.  I enjoyed being with him.  I enjoyed being with him so much that I would cancel plans with other people just to hang out with him.  I talked to him on the computer when he was out of the country we talked about being together a few times.  I made time for him.  I enjoyed spending time with him at his home in the mountains, 4th of July in the city he lived in.... My X and I were going through some rough patches we weren't doing good and were probably not going to stay together.  I spent a lot of time going to the gym and meeting up with him, we were friends before my X and I had ever gotten together so it wasn't strange for me to be around him.  I would meet up with my Best Friend at the gym and I would workout on the treadmill walking and watch him play basketball down below.  It was a lot easier to go to the gym because he gave me a reason to want to go.  Yes I was on this healthiness journey for me, but how much easier it was to have a partner in this journey and someone that I truly cared about right there along side of me doing it with me.  My feelings had grown strongly for him.  My X and I split up and I was alone alot had alot of free time on the weekends my X had our son.  We spent more and more time together and in my mind I thought we would be perfect together for each other.  I mean why not have a relationship with my Best Friend.  We enjoy the same things we always have fun we love spending time together so why not??  I am not so good with words in person so I decided to put it out there in writing, I mean why shouldn't I..... we were already spending countless hours together hanging out so why shouldn't I let him know how I felt, we had joked about it in the past so why not now?  Here is why-
I contemplate for a week on sending my email - His reply "maybe" I would be perfect for him in a lot of ways he said.... We get along, we have fun together and I am agreeable which would be perfect for him with his bullheadedness, but he wasn't sure I was on my healthiness journey for me and he felt like I was doing it maybe more for him.  Basically he didn't want to date me because I was overweight and he didn't want to be with someone who was overweight....the "maybe" was his nice way of saying "if you weren't fat, I would consider it".  One of the most hurtful responses ever.....he broke my heart.... I wasn't good enough for him, I wasn't good enough for my Best Friend who knew me everything about me but my weight was the reason I wasn't good enough for him.  It did it broke my heart, I cried, I ate and I stopped going to the gym - the last thing I wanted to do was run into him there.  My weight hit an all time high of 320lbs.  I felt defeated, I felt lost and I felt like a part of me had been taken away and squashed into little pieces.  I know now that this isn't the reason I am overweight but it did have a huge impact on me into stopping what I knew about getting healthy.  Well I am not going to let anyone stop me anymore.  This is my fight my journey and I promise that no one is going to make me feel like nothing anymore.  I can't wait for the day I run into him again because he might be looking at me but I know for sure that I won't be looking at him. My Journey my life......I am the one in control of it and I am the one who will change it. 

Moving more :)

I am doing it ... Doing something I haven't done before. Doing something I keep saying I am going to do and then not doing. 3 days down for taking the stairs so I haven't taken the elevator at all since I posted that I wasn't going to for the rest of the month. I also bought the treadmill it is going to be so nice having it in the house. This morning I contemplated getting up or sleeping for 20 more min... Guess what?!? I got up, jumped on the treadmill and walked for 20 minutes. I know it was only 20 minutes, but it was 20 more minutes more than I walked yesterday or the day before that or before that.....etc....etc... It is something and for that I am super proud of myself. This is my journey and if I am not going to do it then who is going to? No one else can make you do anything so the fire has to be inside of you!! I have the fire and I am going to burn the joint down - determination - this is in me and I am going to fight my way to getting healthy! :)

I am treading...

I have decided that the best thing for me is to buy a treadmill.  I am heading out this morning to go get a really nice one that I found.  It is a little expensive however I am excited about buying it.  I found this Awesome workout that will fit me since I have a long way to go.  It starts out slow but eventually within 12 weeks I will be walking 40-60 minutes daily.  I need that because I don't want to start out to quickly.  www.thewalkingsite.com This is the site that I am going to use to start out, you should check it out.  There is a 12 week walking plan on there.  I am so excited to get started on this walking journey.  I am so excited to be on this healthniess journey.  It is something really good for me and I know it will be worth it.  I just want to be healthy.  I know for some people being healthy means, losing weight, the number on the scale, etc.  Being healthy for me is being able to run with my son, play with him out in the yard, take him to the park and be actively involved instead of sitting on the sidelines.  Being healthy means being able to walk up the 2 flights of stairs (the ones I am taking instead of the elevator) without running out of breath.  To walk into a normal store and buy a shirt without having to go to the "big", "fat", "plus" size section.  I hate being a label and that is what overweight people are they are a label.  I mean for example I have to buy a more expensive treadmill because I am to overweight for some of the less expensive ones.  It is just crazy to me but that is how things work we are all a label in one way or another.  What do you want your label to say?

My water bottle collection

I have found that I have quite the collection of water bottles laying around. The ones on my nightstand below....

I also have another collection at work. I really need to get a good water bottle that filters my water so that I can get away from using water bottles. It is probably my worst habit. I drink most of it and then usually have about 1/2 inch of water left in the bottom and then I just keep them laying around. I am not sure of the reason. Sometimes I use them to water my plants so I think that is why...but it really would be smarter of me to just buy a good water bottle and lose the plastic bottles all together. I really don't like them and I know they are not good for the earth. I also drink about 3-4 of them a day beside the water I drink in my water cup that I have at work. I have a water cup at work because the water at work is already filtered so I can just fill up the cup, however the water at home is not filtered and I have a thing against drinking water from the tap. There is just something about tap water that doesn't taste right to me and so I prefer filtered water.

On another note, I did what I said I was going to do and I took the stairs up this morning at work. I am so proud of me. It seriously was a thought process...the elevator was right there and I thought about jumping on it. But I made a promise to myself that I was going to become more active and not taking the elevator is a good start. So there I went bag in hand and took the stairs it was amazing and I didn't even feel out of breath when I got to the top because I was so proud of myself for doing what I said I was going to do and not backing out of it like I usually do. I feel good about my choice. I am doing this and it feels really good to do something for me and something that I have set my mind to do, not just the elevator but everything the whole healthniess journey. I am sure there will be bumps in the road but I am ready for the challenge. :)

2nd floor elevator

2nd floor …. I love to say I sit on the 2nd floor. I wish I sat near the windows however. It is so nice on the 2nd floor much different then being on the 1st floor. It is like a whole new world up here. People are more friendly, they include you in everything and in general I just like it more. I was on the 1st floor for a little over 9 years. So moving to the 2nd floor was definitely a change and a change from just walking in the door and right to my desk which was super close to the door. I now walk a bit further from my car to the door and I have the choice to either catch the elevator up or take the stairs. My desk isn’t close to the elevator or close to the stairs but it isn’t that far away either. My weight is certainly an issue, I have taken the stairs a few times and I am out of breath by the time I get to the top of them. So I don’t take them I get to work in the morning and I hop on the elevator up to the 2nd floor. I know people are probably thinking you have trouble going up 2 flights of stairs. I am not going to lie – yes I have trouble. I take the stairs going down and the elevator up. My thought process has always been well I take them….but I guess that was my thought process before. However, starting today I am making a new goal and that is to not take the elevator for the rest of the month, yes I know the month is almost over and there is only technically including today 8 more working days for me but I am hoping that by making this goal that it will turn into not taking the elevator unless “I really need to”. I am trying to move more. In the past eating healthy has just worked for me and I was dropping weight but once I hit my high weight it seems that nothing has been working…. Moving more has got to help and I have seen it help others so that is what I am doing moving more, eating healthy and taking my life one step at a time. It is all a process. I know I can do this I know how to do this and now I just need to do this. This isn’t about anyone else this is about me and my journey and that is how it should be. I love me and I want me to be around for a long time.

The Fat Friend

Have you ever just felt like the fat friend? I feel that way sometimes, even though I don't think my friends think of me that way, that is how I think of myself. I have friends who refer to "when I was fat" often and I am standing right there thinking "I am still fat".... so it hurts. I know it shouldn't hurt because I am this way because of my own choices, but it still hurts. I hate being the fat friend, the one that doesn't get invited out to the clubs because you might ruin the chance of your friends meeting some hot guy or the friend who doesn't get invited because I mean who wants to be seen with the fat girl. I hate walking into a store and feeling like everyone is staring at me and watching what I am picking out. I go to the gym and feel like everyone is watching me. I know that everyone is at the gym to work out however not everyone at the gym is overweight and I have been to the gym before and had people stare at me (probably one of the other reasons I want a treadmill at home). I have people tell me all the time, people at the gym really aren't looking at you, they are there working out. There is some truth to that, however they are not me at the gym 298 lb me walking into the gym in a 5'4 body..... people stare regardless of what you say it happens it truly does. I feel like people that were overweight and now are thin should realize it the most how truly hurtful it is to talk about fat people in front of them when they were once in a fat persons shoes.... I hope in my priorfatgirl life that I am not that way. I hope that when I have made it to my goal and look back on this post that I remember what it was like to be the fat girl. One so I am never there again and Two so I never make someone feel the way that I feel right now. :) One day at a time and I can do this I know I can....

To Tread or not to Tread....

I am debating on buying a treadmill. I seriously hate going out to the gym right now it is just not my thing. I have done the work out videos and things like that but now I need to decide if I should spend the money to purchase a treadmill. I found one that I really like, it is super nice has all the things that I want on it but it is kind of pricey. However I am thinking it would be super beneficial to me. See I work really early in the morning. I am already up by 4 a.m. getting ready to be to work by 6, yes seems crazy but it is what I do. I have to take my son to my moms and then get back in time to be in the office at 6, so having a treadmill at home would be so nice, I could get up spend 30 min on the treadmill get ready go to work and then after I pick him up from my moms come home and spend some time on the treadmill in the evening. I am just not sure if this would benefit me or not, I have a gym membership but I am going to be brutaly honest.... I haven't been in forever. I have found a few other things to do for excercise, but I love walking and am hoping that one day I can get to the point where I can run. I would love to run a marthon someday that is one of my goals when I lose weight is to get down to where I can run and do something that would be amazing like running a marathon. I am really going to think about this purchase.... I think it would be something that I would truly love and the one I have picked out has a port so I can listen to my ipod which would be fabulous!! ...... we will see what happens in the next few days. :)

Easter Candy and the Grocery Store...

Seriously I hate the candy isle..... my son is almost 5 so he is always begging me to buy him candy. I hate going into the grocery store to do my shopping and all you see is Easter candy everywhere. I have never really been a candy person. I was always more of someone who loved chips and dips and anything and everything that was salty. However, if it is in the house it is such a huge temptation. It is like one of those things if you have starburst you take one but everytime you go into the area where they are you might pull another one out of the bag..... I would just rather not have candy around at all. I do let my son have candy but it is limited and I only buy enough for him.

I also hate the grocery store. I really hate the grocery store..... shopping is like this huge chore for me. I would seriously never go to the grocery store if there was someone that was willing to do all of my shopping. If I gave someone the money and they just picked up what was on my list it would be perfect. I always end up with things in the bag that aren't needed or things that I have no idea how they got into my basket... I swear those pesky little gremlins are adding things to the cart again. I know in some areas they have stores that will shop for you and bring you the items, if I had that option I would do it no questions asked. I would probably hardly ever eat if I didn't have a child because my house wouldn't have any food in it because I would never shop. When I go shopping it has to be early in the morning before 7 a.m., because once the store starts getting even a little crowded I am done and ready to be out of there. I hate people at the store because sometimes they can just be rude....we are all there for the same reason to get some food and go home.... but people don't see it that way they think it is social hour in the isles with their families that they have brought to the store..... ugh ok so enough of me ranting about the grocery store..... :) Moving on.... on a side note I have done really good this week. My goal for the month is to not eat out during lunch at work..... 7 days down. :)

Epic Fail

I really did plan to get up on time and go into work this morning... however I shut off the alarm clock and the back up alarm didn't go off until 5:55 a.m. I am an early worker have to be to work by 6. I do have the option to work from home though so here I am working from home. I love having that option to either go into the office or not go into the office.

I looked out the window though and I am glad I stayed inside it is cold and gross outside. It has snowed for the last 2 days and I was really not looking forward to snow. This has been a pretty calm winter and I like that. I am ready for spring weather though. I love in the summer being outside taking my son to the park and just walking and walking and walking while he rides his bike. Spring/Summer is by far my favorite season for many reasons... I love to be outside, I love to go to the pool, love to go walking in the park, enjoy all the fresh fruits and the farmers markets. I can't wait till winter is completely over and spring begins.

Since I am working from home though I do have an easier choice on breakfast this morning which is great. I am making coffee cup eggs which are one of my favorites......

Microwave Coffee Cup Scramble

Prep time: 1 minute

Cook time: 45-60 seconds

Makes: 1 serving2 Eggs (or 1/2 cup Egg substitute if you prefer)2 Tbsp. Milk

2 Tbsp. shredded Cheddar Cheese (or reduced fat or fat free if you prefer),

optional Salt and Pepper

1. Coat 12-oz. microwave-safe coffee mug with cooking spray. Add eggs and milk. Beat until blended.

2. Microwave on High for 45 seconds, stir. Microwave until eggs are almost set, 30-45 seconds longer.

3. Top with cheese; season with salt and pepper

160 Calories, 12 grams of protein

This by far is one of the most delicious breakfasts I can think of..... Have a great day I know I am going to. :)

All about me.....

I know I have said it time and time again about starting over, but I am
going to do it. I have a new outlook on life. I no longer have anyone holding me
back or making me feel like I am not good enough or not worth enough. I did it
time and time again to the point of feeling hopeless, when you have no support
at home it makes it really hard. I feel in a way that my X sabotaged me.... he
used to buy fast food and bring it home and then order pizza - he knew I was
trying to eat healthy. I think he thought if he kept me eating badly and not
losing weight that I wouldn't think I wasn't good enough for anyone else. Well that
isn't true and I know I am good enough for someone else and good enough for
myself. I take blame as I don't place blame on others. I did this to myself, I
had the choice not to eat what he brought home but I ate it anyways. Today is a
new day and a day to start over.
I have been overweight almost my entire life. I have been up and down and tried almost every diet and diet pills you can think of. I know with all things though losing weight is not
easy and it is about changing my life and sticking to it. I know now that my lifestyle change is about getting healthy. Not about fad diets that start and end...they just don't work for me. I know I can do this and I have the power, I am in charge of my choices. So at my highest weight I was 320 lbs.... I am now 298. I am only 5'4 so 298 lbs is well unbearable. I have a hard
time doing a lot of things and what is harder is I am a single mom of a 4 1/2
year old so I have to do something not only for me but for him. I am making this
change for me and for my son. 10 years ago I lost 70lbs doing the L.A. Weight
loss and then I gained the weight back plus some..... and then when I got
pregnant I was up to 305 and after having my son I just never lost any weight
and gained. The road is not easy and I know this and I need all the support that
I can get. If I can inspire even one person by reading my blog then I have
accomplished something. I am ready for this change and I personally plan to do
everything I can to change my life. This is me and I am ready for a change.