So if I am honest and I am putting it all out there then why not say something about one of the people who has hurt me the most. A person that I considered to be my Best Friend. I am writing this post only because I feel like this had a huge impact on me, my life, who I am and where I am now. It isn't the reason I am overweight, the reason I am who I am as it doesn't define me, but it impacted me. There are always certain things in your life that impact you, past issues, things that happened in your life and multiple other things that may have contributed to your weight gain, weight loss etc., the thing that matters the most is figuring out the reasons behind your overeating. Try to figure out what is behind it and find a common balance or a control over it.
What happened to me was a sad situation. I am not the perfect friend or do I claim to be, but I feel like I am a good friend, I am one of those friend that will have your back almost always (although my friend told me to cross out the almost part).
My Best Friend hurt me. I am not sure he realizes he hurt me. I am not sure he even realizes how I feel. What he said changed me. You would think that what he said would make me want to go out and have weight loss surgery, crash diet, lose weight the unhealthy way....It didn't, it didn't even make me want to get healthy, what it did was hurt, it hurt more than I could probably even describe in words. I am someone who eats out of boredom, sadness, hurt feelings, feelings of defeat that is who I am. I realize that now, I also wouldn't do the crazy things described above no matter how anyone made me feel. However, instead of doing the things I knew I should I did everything I shouldn't. I knew that I should be "getting healthy for me" but instead of doing that, I ate. I felt sad, I felt hurt, I felt betrayed and I felt like if my Best Friend can't love me for who I am then who can. Completely the wrong attitude but at the time I wasn't in a good place like I am now. Part of the reason I haven't written about it before now. So here is goes now that you have a little history.
I met him 11 years ago, when I wasn't thin but I was healthy. Through the years we have always been friends, even though I liked him more than that. We were friends during my relationship with my X, through my pregnancy through his various trips across country. We were friends, we were Best Friends. During the years my weight fluctuated and when I delivered my son I was at an all time high of 305lbs., it had ups and downs and I lost some and gained more but we were still friends, amazing friends. We were the kind of friends who always had fun together even if it was spending New Years eve in a grocery store, driving around town looking at houses, taking road trips together it was always an adventure and always fun. I enjoyed being with him. I enjoyed being with him so much that I would cancel plans with other people just to hang out with him. I talked to him on the computer when he was out of the country we talked about being together a few times. I made time for him. I enjoyed spending time with him at his home in the mountains, 4th of July in the city he lived in.... My X and I were going through some rough patches we weren't doing good and were probably not going to stay together. I spent a lot of time going to the gym and meeting up with him, we were friends before my X and I had ever gotten together so it wasn't strange for me to be around him. I would meet up with my Best Friend at the gym and I would workout on the treadmill walking and watch him play basketball down below. It was a lot easier to go to the gym because he gave me a reason to want to go. Yes I was on this healthiness journey for me, but how much easier it was to have a partner in this journey and someone that I truly cared about right there along side of me doing it with me. My feelings had grown strongly for him. My X and I split up and I was alone alot had alot of free time on the weekends my X had our son. We spent more and more time together and in my mind I thought we would be perfect together for each other. I mean why not have a relationship with my Best Friend. We enjoy the same things we always have fun we love spending time together so why not?? I am not so good with words in person so I decided to put it out there in writing, I mean why shouldn't I..... we were already spending countless hours together hanging out so why shouldn't I let him know how I felt, we had joked about it in the past so why not now? Here is why-
I contemplate for a week on sending my email - His reply "maybe" I would be perfect for him in a lot of ways he said.... We get along, we have fun together and I am agreeable which would be perfect for him with his bullheadedness, but he wasn't sure I was on my healthiness journey for me and he felt like I was doing it maybe more for him. Basically he didn't want to date me because I was overweight and he didn't want to be with someone who was overweight....the "maybe" was his nice way of saying "if you weren't fat, I would consider it". One of the most hurtful responses ever.....he broke my heart.... I wasn't good enough for him, I wasn't good enough for my Best Friend who knew me everything about me but my weight was the reason I wasn't good enough for him. It did it broke my heart, I cried, I ate and I stopped going to the gym - the last thing I wanted to do was run into him there. My weight hit an all time high of 320lbs. I felt defeated, I felt lost and I felt like a part of me had been taken away and squashed into little pieces. I know now that this isn't the reason I am overweight but it did have a huge impact on me into stopping what I knew about getting healthy. Well I am not going to let anyone stop me anymore. This is my fight my journey and I promise that no one is going to make me feel like nothing anymore. I can't wait for the day I run into him again because he might be looking at me but I know for sure that I won't be looking at him. My Journey my life......I am the one in control of it and I am the one who will change it.
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