The Fat Friend

Have you ever just felt like the fat friend? I feel that way sometimes, even though I don't think my friends think of me that way, that is how I think of myself. I have friends who refer to "when I was fat" often and I am standing right there thinking "I am still fat".... so it hurts. I know it shouldn't hurt because I am this way because of my own choices, but it still hurts. I hate being the fat friend, the one that doesn't get invited out to the clubs because you might ruin the chance of your friends meeting some hot guy or the friend who doesn't get invited because I mean who wants to be seen with the fat girl. I hate walking into a store and feeling like everyone is staring at me and watching what I am picking out. I go to the gym and feel like everyone is watching me. I know that everyone is at the gym to work out however not everyone at the gym is overweight and I have been to the gym before and had people stare at me (probably one of the other reasons I want a treadmill at home). I have people tell me all the time, people at the gym really aren't looking at you, they are there working out. There is some truth to that, however they are not me at the gym 298 lb me walking into the gym in a 5'4 body..... people stare regardless of what you say it happens it truly does. I feel like people that were overweight and now are thin should realize it the most how truly hurtful it is to talk about fat people in front of them when they were once in a fat persons shoes.... I hope in my priorfatgirl life that I am not that way. I hope that when I have made it to my goal and look back on this post that I remember what it was like to be the fat girl. One so I am never there again and Two so I never make someone feel the way that I feel right now. :) One day at a time and I can do this I know I can....

To Tread or not to Tread....

I am debating on buying a treadmill. I seriously hate going out to the gym right now it is just not my thing. I have done the work out videos and things like that but now I need to decide if I should spend the money to purchase a treadmill. I found one that I really like, it is super nice has all the things that I want on it but it is kind of pricey. However I am thinking it would be super beneficial to me. See I work really early in the morning. I am already up by 4 a.m. getting ready to be to work by 6, yes seems crazy but it is what I do. I have to take my son to my moms and then get back in time to be in the office at 6, so having a treadmill at home would be so nice, I could get up spend 30 min on the treadmill get ready go to work and then after I pick him up from my moms come home and spend some time on the treadmill in the evening. I am just not sure if this would benefit me or not, I have a gym membership but I am going to be brutaly honest.... I haven't been in forever. I have found a few other things to do for excercise, but I love walking and am hoping that one day I can get to the point where I can run. I would love to run a marthon someday that is one of my goals when I lose weight is to get down to where I can run and do something that would be amazing like running a marathon. I am really going to think about this purchase.... I think it would be something that I would truly love and the one I have picked out has a port so I can listen to my ipod which would be fabulous!! ...... we will see what happens in the next few days. :)

Easter Candy and the Grocery Store...

Seriously I hate the candy isle..... my son is almost 5 so he is always begging me to buy him candy. I hate going into the grocery store to do my shopping and all you see is Easter candy everywhere. I have never really been a candy person. I was always more of someone who loved chips and dips and anything and everything that was salty. However, if it is in the house it is such a huge temptation. It is like one of those things if you have starburst you take one but everytime you go into the area where they are you might pull another one out of the bag..... I would just rather not have candy around at all. I do let my son have candy but it is limited and I only buy enough for him.

I also hate the grocery store. I really hate the grocery store..... shopping is like this huge chore for me. I would seriously never go to the grocery store if there was someone that was willing to do all of my shopping. If I gave someone the money and they just picked up what was on my list it would be perfect. I always end up with things in the bag that aren't needed or things that I have no idea how they got into my basket... I swear those pesky little gremlins are adding things to the cart again. I know in some areas they have stores that will shop for you and bring you the items, if I had that option I would do it no questions asked. I would probably hardly ever eat if I didn't have a child because my house wouldn't have any food in it because I would never shop. When I go shopping it has to be early in the morning before 7 a.m., because once the store starts getting even a little crowded I am done and ready to be out of there. I hate people at the store because sometimes they can just be rude....we are all there for the same reason to get some food and go home.... but people don't see it that way they think it is social hour in the isles with their families that they have brought to the store..... ugh ok so enough of me ranting about the grocery store..... :) Moving on.... on a side note I have done really good this week. My goal for the month is to not eat out during lunch at work..... 7 days down. :)

Epic Fail

I really did plan to get up on time and go into work this morning... however I shut off the alarm clock and the back up alarm didn't go off until 5:55 a.m. I am an early worker have to be to work by 6. I do have the option to work from home though so here I am working from home. I love having that option to either go into the office or not go into the office.

I looked out the window though and I am glad I stayed inside it is cold and gross outside. It has snowed for the last 2 days and I was really not looking forward to snow. This has been a pretty calm winter and I like that. I am ready for spring weather though. I love in the summer being outside taking my son to the park and just walking and walking and walking while he rides his bike. Spring/Summer is by far my favorite season for many reasons... I love to be outside, I love to go to the pool, love to go walking in the park, enjoy all the fresh fruits and the farmers markets. I can't wait till winter is completely over and spring begins.

Since I am working from home though I do have an easier choice on breakfast this morning which is great. I am making coffee cup eggs which are one of my favorites......

Microwave Coffee Cup Scramble

Prep time: 1 minute

Cook time: 45-60 seconds

Makes: 1 serving2 Eggs (or 1/2 cup Egg substitute if you prefer)2 Tbsp. Milk

2 Tbsp. shredded Cheddar Cheese (or reduced fat or fat free if you prefer),

optional Salt and Pepper

1. Coat 12-oz. microwave-safe coffee mug with cooking spray. Add eggs and milk. Beat until blended.

2. Microwave on High for 45 seconds, stir. Microwave until eggs are almost set, 30-45 seconds longer.

3. Top with cheese; season with salt and pepper

160 Calories, 12 grams of protein

This by far is one of the most delicious breakfasts I can think of..... Have a great day I know I am going to. :)

All about me.....

I know I have said it time and time again about starting over, but I am
going to do it. I have a new outlook on life. I no longer have anyone holding me
back or making me feel like I am not good enough or not worth enough. I did it
time and time again to the point of feeling hopeless, when you have no support
at home it makes it really hard. I feel in a way that my X sabotaged me.... he
used to buy fast food and bring it home and then order pizza - he knew I was
trying to eat healthy. I think he thought if he kept me eating badly and not
losing weight that I wouldn't think I wasn't good enough for anyone else. Well that
isn't true and I know I am good enough for someone else and good enough for
myself. I take blame as I don't place blame on others. I did this to myself, I
had the choice not to eat what he brought home but I ate it anyways. Today is a
new day and a day to start over.
I have been overweight almost my entire life. I have been up and down and tried almost every diet and diet pills you can think of. I know with all things though losing weight is not
easy and it is about changing my life and sticking to it. I know now that my lifestyle change is about getting healthy. Not about fad diets that start and end...they just don't work for me. I know I can do this and I have the power, I am in charge of my choices. So at my highest weight I was 320 lbs.... I am now 298. I am only 5'4 so 298 lbs is well unbearable. I have a hard
time doing a lot of things and what is harder is I am a single mom of a 4 1/2
year old so I have to do something not only for me but for him. I am making this
change for me and for my son. 10 years ago I lost 70lbs doing the L.A. Weight
loss and then I gained the weight back plus some..... and then when I got
pregnant I was up to 305 and after having my son I just never lost any weight
and gained. The road is not easy and I know this and I need all the support that
I can get. If I can inspire even one person by reading my blog then I have
accomplished something. I am ready for this change and I personally plan to do
everything I can to change my life. This is me and I am ready for a change.