Being out of touch...

Lately I have been out of touch.... it has happened before and I am sure it will happen again.  I mean in life things happen right.  I haven't figured it out....I mean honestly who has??  In this world I believe that everyone struggles...everyone has good and bad days.  Somtimes more good then bad and sometimes more bad then good.  It happens and the best thing to do is to get back up and try again....try again every single day.  If you make a mistake pick yourself up off the floor and regain your footing.  I mean honestly no one is going to do it for you.  You have to do it yourself, you have to make changes in your life if you want to see changes happen. 
I have been using myfitnesspal to record all my calories...then I realized I am not recording all my calories...there are things I often forget like sauces, and certain things you put in your mouth without really thinking it counts when in all reality it counts.  No wonder why my scale hasn't moved in weeks, no wonder I am right where I was when I started this journey.  I need to stop making excuses as to why I can't do things and why I don't need to do this or don't need to do that....or can't do this or can't do that.... because honestly I believe that I can do anything I set my mind to...I just need to do it and stop finding reasons to not do it. 
I am 100% committed to committing again to do what I know I can do....I know it won't always be easy, but I know for a fact that it will be worth it...it has to be.  I need to do this for me.  I need to be accountable...I need to get my shoes on and walk out the door and do this...do this everyday for me...for me to be healthy for me, for me to be healthy for my son so that I can be a good mom and do everything I want to with my son not just hang out on the couch and watch TV all day long while he is outside playing I want to be outside playing with him.  This is my life I need to pick up and start it..... Here is me....me ....316lb me.... making a change that I have to make.  I can do this.....it is inside of me and I am going to do everything I can to make this change.

Sunday - new shoes and crock pot cooking!

I am so excited!  I bought some awesome new shoes that I can wait till they come.  I am freaking excited. 

Are they not the cutest shoes ever??  I can't wait for them to come in the mail.  I always ordered some really cute new glasses in the mail.  I can't wait for them to come either, they shipped last week so they should be here the first part of the week and I can't wait!

My cousin called me today and told me how excited she was for me to get my shakeology and workout videos in the mail.  Talk about awesome encouragement.  It is great to see that someone is there for me and is hoping that I do good.  It made me so happy to hear from her.  I know I can to this and so it just made it that more reassuring for me that she was excited for me to get started and to do a good job.

I am crock pot cooking today.  I found this amazing recipe online at www.skinnytaste.com for buffalo chicken wraps.  I am cooking the buffalo chicken and then just going to put it on top of lettuce instead of doing the lettuce wraps but I can't wait to try the chicken it looks so delicious.  If you want the recipe head over to the blog and just search for crock pot buffalo chicken.  I will let you know how it turns out but the picture of it look just simply fabulous! :)

Last night I hung out with my little bubba, we played wii and watched sponge bob and we put together his power wheels he was so excited to get to ride it today.  We went and picked up his sisters (they live with their dad they are kids from his first marriage) he was so excited to show him how he can ride it and how much fun it is.  He is such a cute kid, I don't know what I would do without him.  They are staying until after dinner and then they are headed back home.  It has been a good day.  I am excited to start the week and eat healthy and do the things I know I am supposed to.  Breakfast was a complete failure this morning my car drove itself to McDonald's or at least I would like to blame my car for my McDonald's visit.  2 sausage and cheese biscuits later....they sure tasted good.  I know it wasn't the best breakfast but it is done and over with and I am moving on.... I have an addiction to those but the ones I make at home are healthier and they taste just as good, I need to remember that!!

Here is to the start of a new week! :) 

A loss is a loss....

So just a quick update... I went to the Dr. today and I have lost 7 lbs since the last time I was in her office.  I did however find out that I don't weigh what I thought I did and that my scales at home are completely messed up... I was thinking I weighed 298, however the Dr. told me today that I weighed 313 and I am down 7 lbs since a month ago...which means a month ago I weighed 320!!  I completely freaked out but I know what I need to do and I am working towards all of my goals.  I ordered my workout videos today and shakeology.  I wasn't planning on doing any funky things for weight loss but my cousin has done so good doing skakeology and P90X that I decided to give it a try... I am not at any type of fitness level or weight to be doing P90X so they recommended some other workouts that are for fat burning.  I am excited to get started...they should be here in 5-7 days and I can't wait!  I am so committed this time by far more committed than anytime in the past.  I need this and I am so excited to get this weight off and get it off for good!  Plus I am not planning on wasting any money and it was a little bit pricey.  I didn't get to workout today very much but I did some walking and I put together my sons new power wheels....that took me 2 hours and a lot of moving around on the floor, putting the thing together.... so needless to say I did a little bit of a workout - GO ME!! :)

A night at the museum....

I had a good night at the museum.  The museum is located downtown by the city library.  It is so amazing there.  We went to the museum and it was interesting.  I had never been before so I wasn't sure what The Leonardo had in store for me.  It was fun, I learned about DNA, played on the green screen and made some small video clips.  It was so interesting and nice just to be out.  It was also good to see my friend.  Even after the hurtful things it is hard for me not to forgive.  I just didn't bring up the past, it isn't worth it and I figure that I just have to move on in order to get through this part of my life.  So after the museum we went to the top of the city library.  It was beautiful and what an amazing view.

That is one of the things I love about this city, we sure have amazing views and the mountains are just breathtaking.

We then went to dinner.... now let me tell you something about dinner, I would have never guessed that the pasta bowl I had chose to eat had over 1300 calories in it.  I am thinking I should have checked the calories before ordering.  Not to fear though, I put over half of it in a box and was planning to take it for lunch today but decided the extra calories were just not worth it considering I have a visit to the doctors office tomorrow.  It was a good night and I stressed more than I should have.  I think things will be fine and if we don't hang out again I am okay with that.... I think I got my closure. 

I will post again tomorrow after the doctor....keeping my fingers crossed! 

How am I supposed to act??

I don't even know how I am supposed to act ....  I have made a few references to "my friend" who hurt me.... the one that I miss.  Well this friend has asked me to go to the museum with him tonight.  We haven't talked or hung out in almost a year.  I haven't changed much, I am still me, I am still overweight, my life hasn't changed I am still just ME.  I am working on ME that is probably the biggest  change.  I decided after thinking about it that I would go.... I want to see what he has to say after all these months that have passed by.  I am curious if I even really "miss" him... or if it was just my mind telling me that I do.  I am not sure how to feel about going to the museum with him.  I don't even know if I want to.  I am afraid of being hurt again, I am afraid of what will happen and I have all these crazy thoughts running through my head.  I am setting myself up not to be hurt and not to feel vulnerable in this situation.  I don't want to feel anything.  I wish there was a way to just be numb about the past and forget it and move on.  But when something is so hurtful it is hard to forget those things and just move past them.  I am so confused and don't even know what to say or how to act.....I want to just be ME, but being ME in this situation is hard.  I am emotional, I have feelings I am supposed to ... I can't just turn them off.  Even if I wanted to... which I do... it is impossible!  I wish this was easy, but nothing in life is easy...if that were the case I wouldn't be where I am today.  I am not letting this get in my way of taking care of ME and of my healthiness goals because that is why I am here.  Maybe it is a good stepping stone and a way to cure what has been going on in my head and these feelings I have had about missing him... maybe just maybe this is a good thing and it won't be as bad as I keep thinking it will.  I will update after my museum visit tonight....I am hoping that things go well and that things are put into perspective.

It's only Tuesday...

I had the best weekend.  I spent it hanging out with my best buddies!  They are so much fun  to be around and we had such a good time just being silly!  We went to dinner it was so nice the weather has been amazing and we were able to sit outside on this little patio.  Patio dining is my favorite!  I love eating outside and just people watching.  I had chicken Parmesan for dinner and only ate half.  I put half in the box for the next night but forgot to grab it out of my roommates car.  It is the first weekend since Christmas since my X has taken my son overnight.  It was nice to get out for a little silliness and some adult time, but I miss him like crazy whenever he is gone. 

Me and my BFF..... Just having a fun time.

Me, my roommate and my BFF.... Just being silly :)

It has been so hot in the house the last couple days that I just haven't felt like doing anything...and I mean anything... even getting up to use the bathroom seems like this horrible chore, and forget sleeping in this kind of heat.  It is only in the 80's right now but in the 80's outside means even warmer inside.  I can't wait to get my cooler hooked up and get a little air going through this place, but until then I will just have to settle on having the windows and doors open and hope no little creatures crawl or fly into my house.....I hate bugs! :) 
I have been doing pretty good on my eating but man this exercise things is kicking me in the you know what!  I just can't get into anytime of good groove!  The only thing I have going for me right now is the fact that I walk into the building from the parking lot, take the stairs and walk out..... I guess it is something right and something is better than nothing, although it still isn't good enough (and I know it).  Tonight I am making my son's favorite, mac and cheese and hot dogs... it isn't on the list of great foods to eat but I have saved enough calories today so that it will work.  The last couple nights I have had chicken burgers - which by my books - are absolutely fabulous and probably the best thing invented :) well this week anyways!  Life is still crazy so I am making what I can out of it and trying to do the best and be the best me I can be.... I know I will get there and I know it takes time. :) One step at a time, one day at a time... I will do this and I know I will... I am sticking to my not weighing in until Saturday....the scale freaks me out everytime I get close to it and I am thinking it might bite me so I am staying away.... I will post Saturday how good/bad I have done.  I know I was up from when I started so I am going off of whatever happens this week to determine where I am at and where I need to get to.... I am trying to FOCUS on me and get off the negative. :)

My daily motivation :)

I need some motivation today I am feeling a little down.  I am still missing my friend and that has been eating at me the last few weeks.  I want to write him a letter to let him know how he made me feel but I know by doing that he will probably reply with something pathetic and make me feel a whole lot worse about myself.  So until I am feeling better about things I will wait to send any type of letter.  I am in a good place right now but I feel like I could be in a better spot than I am so I am working on that.  I need to remember what the qoute on the side says and realize that if my friend truly cared about me these things wouldn't have mattered to him.   So here is more daily motivation.....

I need all the motivation I can get.  I am working hard at becoming better.

Who I am:

I am a girl.

I am a woman.

I am a mom.

I am a daughter.

I am a sister.

I am a niece.

I am a best friend.

I am a friend.

I am beautiful.

I am a hard worker.

I am fun.

I am a good person.

I love with all my heart.

I tend to take things very personal.

I am amazing.
I am me.

I am the only me that I have.... and I have to take care of this me.

I want to live a long happy healthy life.

I am stubborn.

I hate the grocery store.

I love the outdoors.

I love to take walks in the park.

I enjoy going to the zoo.

I want for my son to grow up happy and healthy.

I am funny.

I love to laugh.

I love to smile.

I love to love.