Missing my family...

I feel like I have been in such a slump lately.  I haven't written on my blog something I love to do.  I am still doing WW, however I have had my ups and downs with that.  I am really working on my health and weight loss.  I want to lose enough weight by June so that I don't have to ask for a seat belt extender on the air plane.  That is the most embarassing feeling ever.  I have the motivation and that is that in June I get to go see my family (sister, bro in law and my niece and nephew) .... I am really missing them this time of year.  I don't feel like doing anything lately.  I leave work come home and play with my kiddo until bedtime.  I am happy that I get to spend so much time with him.  It would be nice though to have someone to come home to, or at least someone to spend time with.... I feel like my friends are to busy lately and have other things going on.  I am glad that they are happy.  I am just having a pity party and I am sure this is the most boring blog post ever, but I just wanted to put out there how I am feeling. 

My latest WW weigh in is below.  Getting under that 300 mark has been the hardest thing for me.  I am going to do it.  I think once I hit that goal that I will feel like I am actually making progress... the ups and downs have been crazy.  I am sure that some of it has to do with boredom....because when I am bored I eat.... I am glad to have met a few new people that I am starting to do a few things with.  I just need to get out more.  However still keep in mind my food choices.  I am doing good with eating and made an agreement with a friend we wouldn't eat out lunch the entire month of December, she slipped up yesterday and I slipped up today...but I am back on track tomorrow.  I can do this... I know it will be worth it in the end....I plan to suck it up.  I am DOING this for ME and my son and no one else.... I need to remember this everyday. :D  Love to all my readers and I will try to post more often and I will try to not be so depressing, but as we all know this is everyday life....

WW: 303.6

Accountability

What is accountability? To me accountability is being responsible for my own actions, being responsible for myself and being accountable for what I am doing. The definition of accountability is this: The quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions. Truth – we are responsible for our actions and certain actions have consequences. Even in weight loss there are consequences if we are not accountable for ourselves. Each decision we make determines the range of choices that we will face next. My goal was to get under 300 lbs this week, however certain choices I made over the weekend caused me to gain instead of lose. I am accountable for those choices. I know the reason I didn’t lose. I think that making yourself accountable for things makes you realize when you might need to change things to meet your goals. I know what I did that caused me to gain instead of lose and I take responsibility for it and choose to focus on doing better this week.

I am a tracker – I track everything. Even before starting WW I was a tracker. I used the “my fitness pal” app. I tracked calories. It wasn’t working for me which is the reason I joined WW. I think sometimes even the accountability on the scale at your meetings makes a difference. I always get in my car and head to my meetings on Monday’s. In my mind I think “If I have gained then I am not staying for the meeting”, but what would the purpose of that be. Isn’t that why I go to the meetings in the first place? I get there I weigh in and usually either way gain or loss…I stay. Why? Because I need to. It helps me to be accountable. I know WW and meetings isn’t for everyone, but it is for me. I need to go somewhere that helps me be accountable for what I am doing. I need to know where I am at and the scale at home doesn’t help with that. I like that when I have a good loss on the scale that my leader congratulates me for that loss and when I don’t see a loss that she asks what she can do or if I know what happened and the reason for that gain. I need that accountability. I also know that you can’t beat yourself up if you fall off track, you just get right back on and take the responsibility for it. I know that this week is going to be a better week. I am hoping that I can meet my goal and get under 300. I am counting on me and I got this, and if the scale isn’t under 300 I am not going to beat myself up for it, I am just going to keep going. I mean stopping is not an option….that is what got me here in the first place. This coming weekend is going to push me to my limits with a Halloween Party and all the finger foods and snacking….but I know I can do it.

** The greatest battles in life are fought in the silent chambers of the soul. – David O. McKay

A goal....

I often ask myself what a goal is..... I have to think about it sometimes.  My goal is to ultimately be healthy.  I am on my way, and I am working really hard at this journey and I am not giving up.  I am on week 5 of this journey and I am happy to report that things are going really well.  I know the scale is just a number but sometimes that number matters.  This week the number I am reaching for is something under 300.  I am so close that I just want to hit that goal....I have been overweight most of my life with ups and downs and a that crazy cycle of yo-yo diets.  WW seems to be working for me and I plan to stick with it until the end and beyond that.  It is so important for me to be healthy.  The last few years I have been stuck in this crazy rut of not feeling good enough.  I know I am good enough, but when you hear that you are not so much it makes you start thinking that way.  I think my relationship with my best friend at the time is what really made me feel like I wasn't good enough.  11 years of friendship to just say "well I don't feel like we are on the same healthiness journey" is hurtful.  It hurt so bad that it made me go into this depression of feeling not good enough.  It made me feel like if I wasn't good enough for my best friend then who would I be good enough for.  I know I go back to this often because it was a moment for me.  It wasn't the reason I was overweight but it was the reason at that point in my life that I stopped caring about me, about who I was about my weight.  I still plan to tell this friend of mine in the future that what he said truly hurt me.  I don't plan on doing it now or anytime soon but one day it will happen.  I know now that I am good enough and I care enough about myself to do something for myself.  I also care enough about my son to be here for him and being here for him means reaching for my goals and meeting them.  My first goal is to reach 290....and then I will set another goal.  I am doing this for me and my son and no one else.  I realize now that I matter and that anything is possible.

 

Here is a picture of me in my new workout shirt from Ruffles with love.  Check out the shop here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/RufflesWithLove

Vacation :) and a weigh in....

I have been on vacation for the last week.  I was worried and stressed about my weigh in tonight.  I didn't track the entire time I have been gone.  I did do a lot of walking so maybe with the walking and the combination of not eating everything in site led to this......

Previous weight: 304.6
Loss: 1.8
Current Weight 302.8

I am super happy with a loss....anytime I see a loss on the scale I know that I am headed in the right direction.  If I see a loss after being on vacation for a week then I am for sure on the right path.  I know it isn't always about the number on the scale but sometimes the number matters in your own head.  It mattered in mine and I am so happy. 

I had the best vacation and got to spend it in Disneyland.  It was so much fun and I enjoyed every minute of hanging out with my little cutie and my mom.  My roommate also went and we all had a blast.  I am planning my next vacation for June of next year in Florida and I am hoping to be down under 250.  I won't beat myself up if I don't reach that goal....but I think it is a reasonable one.  :)  I will leave you with some pictures as it is late and I am super sleepy.  I am back from vacation and plan to blog more frequent... please share with your friends.  I also have an awesome post for you all hopefully tomorrow.

Color Run Pictures....FINALLY!

I finally got my pictures to load....it took awhile to figure out how to make it work....there aren't very many but enjoy!

This is me before the Color Run..... notice the clean white shirt.... :)

This is our crew after the Color Run.....notice the not so clean shirts..... best experience ever.  If you ever get a chance to do the Color Run you will love it.  I highly recommend it. :)

I will run for color anyday....any time....! 

Color Run SLC 2012

I have never had so much fun during a 5K.  The Color Run 2012 was certainly worth the $35.00 entry fee.  They gave everyone a bumper sticker, color packet, headband, tattoos and a Color Run T-Shirt.... it was seriously a blast.  I think my son was a little freaked out in the beginning because it was so loud and there was so many people and he wasn't really sure what to expect, but once we started going he had so much fun!  It is so fun to go through the color explosion areas and the 5K wasn't so bad, there were a few small inclines but nothing hard and totally worth it.  I think it was the most fun that I have had in a long time.  This year I didn't run any of the Color Run however next year I plan to run the entire thing.  I am just not up to speed to run the run and I haven't gotten my new shoes for running yet (they come in next week).  I am so excited because next year we are doing the Color Run as well as another run here called the Haunted Halloween Run which is a half marathon.  I have so many fun things to do this year and I can't wait to experience each and everyone of them. 

I went to drop off my food donation at WW today for the lose for good campaign.  It seems that it turned out pretty good.  I also got my free measuring cups today.  I am excited and I hope they pull my name out of the drawing for the $250.00 gift certificate to Kohls!  I mean who wouldn't be excited to WIN!!

I will post some Awesome photos from the color run as soon as my phone starts working and will let me post them :)

Weight Watchers - Color Run

I went to my WW meeting on Monday and surprisingly it wasn't a bad thing..... My leader when I joined reminded me that if you start on a Wed., and then come on a Monday that you might not see a huge loss..... here are my Results -

Starting:  310

Loss: -4.8

Current Weight:  305.2

 

 

I am certainly not going to be complaining about those numbers! 

 

I am so excited tonight is a good friend of mines Birthday, and tomorrow is the Color Run.... I can't wait to go get all messy and colored and hang out with good friends.  This weekend is proving to be full of good things and lots of excitement. :)  I am certainly enjoying my ride. 

 

 

WW Lose for good campaign is also kicking off its food drive this weekend.  So if you have any food that you would like to donate for a good cause stop by your WW location and drop off canned foods.  It is worth it and it is for a great cause.  I am so excited to be part of this and be part of this Awesome journey.  It hasn't always been easy for me and I am sure there will be lots of struggles along this path that I am starting for myself, but it is going to be worth it and I am so excited to be starting it.  I can't say that my life would be different if I had made different turns and things....but at this point I am glad I made the choices I did and took the steps I did because it certianly made me who I am today.  I can't ever change me and I am thankful for that. :)  Enjoy your weekend, because I know that I am going to enjoy mine.  Also thanks for reading and sticking with me. :) 

Weight Watchers

So I was inspired to try WW again..... I have done WW several times in the past so I know that it works.  I am excited to start on this program and I am super happy with my choice to go with this option.  I have been counting calories for 60 days now and just don't feel like my calorie counting is making a huge difference.  My weight on the WW scale was so much different then the weight on the scale at my Dr. office and my huge 14 pound loss that I thought I had wasn't exactly a 14 pound loss, but still a loss..... so I will put it out here again for everyone to see my starting weight with WW is:

Starting Weight:  310

 

I am using that as my starting point and I will start to post what losses I have had as of my next WW meeting.  My WW meeting is a short week this week because I started on a Wednesday, however I will be going to meetings on Monday nights.  So I will be short a couple of days this week.  I really am so excited to be sharing this journey with as many people as possible.  I know I have bad weeks and I know I have good weeks but the key is that you get back on track as much as possible and know that you are doing this for you and only you and that you are the one who matters the most. 

 

 

I am so excited about the color run coming up next weekend.  I can't wait and I am happy to share it with some really fun people!!  This is going to be an exciting day and I can't say that I am going to run the race because I am not really in any shape to be running outside yet as I am still trying to master walking/running on the treadmill, but I am working my way up to being able to do whatever I put my mind to and at next years finish line I will be running across the finish line because I am setting my mind to be able to do that. :)  I am loving this journey and just hope that at one point I will inspire someone who is going through the same thing that I am.  I am inspired everyday at some of the blogs I read and hope to one day be that inspiration that someone else will need to say that they can also do this!!  The Journey begins here. Hope everyone has a great weekend! 

Pinterest ..... and MFP :)

I am doing pretty good, haven't had much to write about.  I did the JDRF walk and that went well.... since I only weigh in once a month it makes it hard to really tell anyone how I am doing scale wise, but as for eating I am still counting my calories faithfully using MFP... if anyone wants to find me on there let me know.... and if you aren't already following me on Pinterest you should be... I post Amazing things and it is soooo worth it to follow me.  I post great healthy recipes, motivation for fitness and everything and anything else you can think of.

I am so excited for this upcoming month, there are so many exciting things happening.  Stay tuned and you will find out what those are.... and if you want to send some people my way.  I love having new people read my blog and hopefully find some motivation from it.  :)  Hopefully I will be able to start posting more regularly now that things are settled down around home.

Have a great labor day weekend! Enjoy the extra day off for those of you that get one!

The SCALE....

I have a bad addiction to jumping on the scale everyday.  I know I shouldn't but it is habit, the problem with this for me is that the scale at home doesn't come close to telling me what my scale at my Dr. office tells me.  I weigh in at home to be accountable, but I don't count what the scale at home is telling me I only count what the scale at the Dr. tells me.  Therefore what weight I post on here will only be actual weightloss numbers from my Dr. office.  I went to the Dr. on Tuesday, I hate going during the week.  I hate going even more on a Tuesday.... and even more than that the Tuesday right  after my Birthday that was on Monday!  I was thinking in my head FAIL!!  It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be for a Dr. appointment that was in the week in the evening 5:30, I usually go on Saturday's and have early morning appointments like 11:30.  So here it is the results of my weight loss.... I have been logging into MFP daily for the last 35 + days and working out more than I have in my life over the last month... not everyday but more and anytime you are moving more you are still doing something and passing everyone on the couch who isn't doing anything... I have to keep this in my mind.  So my results were this....

316 - Starting Weight

302.6 - Current Weight

That is a 13.4 loss in a month.... and I am not complaining.  I also have the Dr. check my loss of muscle vs. fat vs. whatever... I don't know what that thing does I just know that out of those 13.4 lbs only 2 lbs of it was muscle mass and the rest was the fat mass or whatever it is that the thing measures.... all I can say is I am proud of myself and proud of my accomplishment and even though the scale doesn't define me or define who I am, it sure makes me feel good that I am doing something for myself for a change... and I can't wait to see what this next month brings.... I have a 3 mile walk planned for the 25th of this month and in this heat I am hoping to be able to walk the entire 3 miles.... I am excited for all of these new adventures and they give me something to work towards and a goal and even though my goals are not always weight loss related they are helping with that side of things as well.  I will try to post more often.... things have just been so crazy around here... and if it means not posting to get in a workout then I am going for the workout :) Until next time! :) 



Weigh In Day is fast approaching.....

It is almost weigh in day..... I usually weigh in once a month, I usually weigh in on a Saturday morning....so I am a little nervous for this weigh in day because it is Tuesday at 5:30 p.m., it is the day after my Birthday and the Tuesday after a huge weekend.  This weekend is Tent Party 2012, an annual party that my friend throws every year..and a ton of fun, with a ton of food and lots and lots of drinking.... I am not a really a huge drinker anyways but this is Tent Party....sort of like the biggest event of the year for partying and hanging out with friends....so it is huge.  I am definately going to limit my alcohol intake....and only plan to have a couple of drinks.  I also plan to stay on track with my eating choices.  I need to make good choices and I plan on it... I don't want to see a + on the scale when I have been working so hard to get this weight off and do what is the Best for me..  I am still running intervals off and on and working out as much as possible.  This weekend will be full of swimming and hanging out by the pool, so I am hopeful that the scale will still reflect a good number on Tuesday.  I just really hate not weighing in the mornings and having to wait until dinner time.... but we will see how it goes.  I have added the qoute below before but it is a good reminder that you can always start from scratch it doesn't have to be tomorrow or the next day but right after you fall you get back up and start over.......

My starting weight for anyone that was wondering was 316 and I am currently according to home scale at 305.4 which is a pretty good loss since I have only been faithfully tracking my food for 30 days and working out for about 3 weeks.  So I think I am doing pretty good.  Tuesday will be the tell all and even if it is good... I am going to keep on keeping on because that is what I do.... this healthiness stuff is tough but sooooo worth it. :)

Busy....Busy...Busy....

I have been super busy the last week or two..... lots to do and I have been spending extra time with my son before he goes on Vacation.  I have been doing lots of swimming and walking and healthy eating.  I have been hanging out and just having a good time and not over thinking anything.  I am on MFP (my fitness pal) more than any social media site I have ever belonged to.... I carry it around with me and log every single thing I put in my mouth and any activity that I do.... it is kind of like a best friend that I can keep with me all the time.  I love Best Friends! :)

I am not sure if I talked about it in a previous post but I may have mentioned that I had joined a relay race and was going to walk for the American Cancer Society in an overnight relay style walk.  Well I did it and it was Amazing! Despite the fact that I was super tired from being up from 4 a.m. on a Friday morning until 7 a.m. Saturday morning..... it was the best 5 miles I had walked in my life! I honestly don't think I have walked 5 miles in a long time....  it just proved that I can do anything I set my mind to.

I have signed up to walk for Jr. Diabetes the end of this month.... it is a great cause and a great 3 mile walk and I can't wait to do another walk for something I believe in. :)

Our first Bike ride....

So we took the day Sunday getting ready for a bike ride that evening.  We went out and my roommate bought himself a bike and then we pulled out my little ones bike to get it fixed up and mine to do the same.  I am sure that I need a full tune up on my bike.  We made a few trips to the store and then a quick trip to the bike shop (the only one I could find open on a Sunday).  We got the bikes in good enough shape to go out on our evening ride.  The weather has been crazy here, rain and 102 degree weather all in the same week.  I have to tell you besides and indoor stationary bike, I haven't been on a bike in almost 20 years.... I was super scared to get on that bike.  I know they say that riding a bike is like tying your shoes something you just won't forget, but I was still a little intimidated by my bike.  It was bigger than me and I am a short thing, so getting my butt up on that seat was somewhat of a challenge, but I did it.... the biking wasn't the challenge that I was having it was all the issues during our bike ride.  First off my sons chain fell off his bike and that really sucked, so we had to stop to fix that... then we got chased by a dog and it was biting and nipping at my sons leg and he was scared to death he is only 5 so the dog was freaking him out.  The most annoying thing about the dog was that the owners were outside when the dog started chasing us they saw him biting at my sons leg and they were not doing anything about it.  I was yelling because in the city I live in there is a leash law and dogs are not allowed to be off their leash unless they are inside or in the owners yard.  I was extremely irritated at the fact that they just stood there and let the dog chase us without doing anything about it. So I yelled at them about the dog not being on a leash and then my roommate almost ran into my son with his bike trying to get the dog to chase him instead of us.... when we finally all met up again the chain on his bike came off again and then to top it off it came off 5 more times....so all in all we rode a mile and half and it took us 20 minutes.... I know CRAZY it should not take this long to ride 1.5 miles but it did.... so that is my story on our very first bike ride.  We will be venturing out again tomorrow night hopefully our luck is better :)  I did enjoy the bike ride other than being at my weight and on a bike can be very painful (seat not comfortable) even with the new seat I purchase..... Ahh well it isn't gonna stop me, next year I will be busting up that 100 mile MS ride and I can't wait to kick butt at it! :)

Running..100 mile Bike ride.....and a Dr. Appointment.

So I have my Dr. Appointment tomorrow.... I am looking forward to it just to see where I am at and how I am doing and if I have at least been maintaining since I was in last time....since I wasn't completely committed to this process.... so a maintain is better than a gain.  We will see where I am at tomorrow and then to be accountable I will post that on here so that I am accountable for what I am doing.  It makes it all real when you can have it there in front of you and see it right?? I am not going to sabotage myself this time because I feel like that is what I do every time that I start on this journey and I am not going to let that happen. 

My roommate told me yesterday that his boss has told him that he is going to ride in the 100 mile bike ride for Jr. Diabetes next year..... so guess what.... You got it, I am going to start training with him... I know I am setting all these goals but they are attainable.  I have year to get ready.  When I hit my year... my goal is to be healthier, in shape so that I can bike ride the entire 100 miles... able to run more than the intervals that I have been doing for the last few days.  I feel proud though, after only starting to walk/run for the last 3 days today I got in  2 runs.... 10 minute intervals before work and 21 minutes of intervals after work.... MY CALVES are KILLING ME!!  But it is not going to stop me.... see quote below on PAIN!!  I can do this I really can I have this in the bag.  I seriously have my mind set.  I watched something and it just clicked for me.... I guess it really only takes that...something to make it click for you and I am there.  I want to do things that right now I can't do.  I mentioned before I want to go on a cruise when I turn 40 (that is in 3 years) but I don't want to go on a cruise and be unhealthy and hide in my room the entire time.  Next year besides doing the 100 mile bike ride, I want to go River Rafting...I have always wanted to go, but I thought I am 300 + pounds.... they are not going to let me on the raft it will sink!! ( I know it probably won't sink ) ... but you get my point.  These are the things that I say to myself.... because that is how deep down I am feeling.  I know people stare at me, I know it isn't in my head because I know it happens I have done it myself...I stare at other people who are heavy and wonder if I am as big as them and really does it matter.... ??  I don't think it really does.... what matters is what I do about me and what I want... and I want to be at a healthy weight and do everything I can to be the best mom I can be and the best person I can be for me for my son .... that is really all that matters..... so I am doing it.... I got this in the BAG, bring it on baby!!

This is so true, now more than ever... I realized this once I started running intervals.  It is only going to hurt for a little while.

See me below....yes that is real sweat dripping off of my head and it felt FREAKING AMAZING!!

And one last quote that really hit my hard today and it is so true!

7-11 Free Slurpee Day

Yes today is free Slurpee day at 7-11 if you are not familiar with 7-11 it is like a convenience store on almost every street corner where I live.  They have Slurpee's which are fabulous!  I am so happy that they have them in the lite version so that I could enjoy me a free Slurpee today! I checked my fitness pal for the calories and I am so happy that in 8oz there was only 20 calories! EXCELLENT!! Tonight I am making some crock pot chicken it is so delicious.  I am pretty good with counting calories and eating right, but when it comes to exercise I am such a slacker it is like I think I should really be doing my workout videos and I should really be walking on my treadmill but the heat is horrible right now... but I do need to take advice from others and think to myself DIA.... Do it anyways (Thanks Don) ... and if you aren't reading his blog and you are reading mine you should check his blog out at www.210again.blogspot.com .  He has a great blog and has some pretty cool videos about his journey to bike from Tokyo to Fuji Mountain..... take a look.  I love finding new blogs so if you have any that you find interesting and a good read leave me a comment and let me know.  Well today has been a pretty good day so far, I think I am going to pull out my DVD and workout.... I mean you have to start somewhere right...today is my day.  Wish me luck! :) Have a great day!

10 days in ....and it is just to HOT!!

I seriously am hating this heat.... 102 degrees when I jumped in the car today to head home from work.  Really this is just to hot!  It is to hot to leave the house but I do it anyways because I have to work, it is to hot to workout but I am trying I have to workout right underneath my swamp cooler so that I don't fall down and die..... seriously water is my best friend right now which in all reality is a good thing.  I am making progress and trying to figure out what my next move is.  The calorie counting seems to be going alright but I need some motivation.  I feel so lazy, I even took the elevator a few times at work over the last couple of weeks.  I need to stop taking that darn elevator again....there really is no reason for me to jump on the elevator, I am perfectly capable of walking up the stairs...out of breath when I get to the top .. YES .. but still perfectly capable of taking them.  I just don't have any motivation this heat is taking a toll on me and it is making me crazy.  I don't remember it being this hot last year but then again maybe it was. 

Relay is coming up and I don't think I am ready, I haven't been training or putting in the walking hours and I am probably going to need a million breaks but I am doing it regardless if I am ready or not.  I am thinking we are going to get in a few miles walking all night long but it will be so worth it in the end.  I am excited for Relay.  Even though I haven't earned a dime towards my goal of $100.00 I am still excited and ready to go for the big night coming up in less than 2 weeks. :)

So I have a new goal.....I want to take a cruise.  It is my goal to drop at least 100 lbs before I go on the cruise.  I want to take it for my 40th Birthday but that is 3 years away so my goal is to drop 100 lbs in the next year.  I think that I can do it.  I need as much push as I can get so if you are a reader of my blog please leave me comments and motivate me the best you can and I will do the same for you.  I so badly want to go on a cruise and I have made a goal that I go when it is my 40th Birthday or I go when I lose over 100 lbs whichever comes first so I am hoping that the 100 lbs comes first.... Wish me luck and if you haven't done it yet follow me on twitter or pinterest.....you won't regret it!  Best of Luck to everyone with a goal..... we can do this!! :D Hard work and Dedication!

Being out of touch...

Lately I have been out of touch.... it has happened before and I am sure it will happen again.  I mean in life things happen right.  I haven't figured it out....I mean honestly who has??  In this world I believe that everyone struggles...everyone has good and bad days.  Somtimes more good then bad and sometimes more bad then good.  It happens and the best thing to do is to get back up and try again....try again every single day.  If you make a mistake pick yourself up off the floor and regain your footing.  I mean honestly no one is going to do it for you.  You have to do it yourself, you have to make changes in your life if you want to see changes happen. 
I have been using myfitnesspal to record all my calories...then I realized I am not recording all my calories...there are things I often forget like sauces, and certain things you put in your mouth without really thinking it counts when in all reality it counts.  No wonder why my scale hasn't moved in weeks, no wonder I am right where I was when I started this journey.  I need to stop making excuses as to why I can't do things and why I don't need to do this or don't need to do that....or can't do this or can't do that.... because honestly I believe that I can do anything I set my mind to...I just need to do it and stop finding reasons to not do it. 
I am 100% committed to committing again to do what I know I can do....I know it won't always be easy, but I know for a fact that it will be worth it...it has to be.  I need to do this for me.  I need to be accountable...I need to get my shoes on and walk out the door and do this...do this everyday for me...for me to be healthy for me, for me to be healthy for my son so that I can be a good mom and do everything I want to with my son not just hang out on the couch and watch TV all day long while he is outside playing I want to be outside playing with him.  This is my life I need to pick up and start it..... Here is me....me ....316lb me.... making a change that I have to make.  I can do this.....it is inside of me and I am going to do everything I can to make this change.

Sunday - new shoes and crock pot cooking!

I am so excited!  I bought some awesome new shoes that I can wait till they come.  I am freaking excited. 

Are they not the cutest shoes ever??  I can't wait for them to come in the mail.  I always ordered some really cute new glasses in the mail.  I can't wait for them to come either, they shipped last week so they should be here the first part of the week and I can't wait!

My cousin called me today and told me how excited she was for me to get my shakeology and workout videos in the mail.  Talk about awesome encouragement.  It is great to see that someone is there for me and is hoping that I do good.  It made me so happy to hear from her.  I know I can to this and so it just made it that more reassuring for me that she was excited for me to get started and to do a good job.

I am crock pot cooking today.  I found this amazing recipe online at www.skinnytaste.com for buffalo chicken wraps.  I am cooking the buffalo chicken and then just going to put it on top of lettuce instead of doing the lettuce wraps but I can't wait to try the chicken it looks so delicious.  If you want the recipe head over to the blog and just search for crock pot buffalo chicken.  I will let you know how it turns out but the picture of it look just simply fabulous! :)

Last night I hung out with my little bubba, we played wii and watched sponge bob and we put together his power wheels he was so excited to get to ride it today.  We went and picked up his sisters (they live with their dad they are kids from his first marriage) he was so excited to show him how he can ride it and how much fun it is.  He is such a cute kid, I don't know what I would do without him.  They are staying until after dinner and then they are headed back home.  It has been a good day.  I am excited to start the week and eat healthy and do the things I know I am supposed to.  Breakfast was a complete failure this morning my car drove itself to McDonald's or at least I would like to blame my car for my McDonald's visit.  2 sausage and cheese biscuits later....they sure tasted good.  I know it wasn't the best breakfast but it is done and over with and I am moving on.... I have an addiction to those but the ones I make at home are healthier and they taste just as good, I need to remember that!!

Here is to the start of a new week! :) 

A loss is a loss....

So just a quick update... I went to the Dr. today and I have lost 7 lbs since the last time I was in her office.  I did however find out that I don't weigh what I thought I did and that my scales at home are completely messed up... I was thinking I weighed 298, however the Dr. told me today that I weighed 313 and I am down 7 lbs since a month ago...which means a month ago I weighed 320!!  I completely freaked out but I know what I need to do and I am working towards all of my goals.  I ordered my workout videos today and shakeology.  I wasn't planning on doing any funky things for weight loss but my cousin has done so good doing skakeology and P90X that I decided to give it a try... I am not at any type of fitness level or weight to be doing P90X so they recommended some other workouts that are for fat burning.  I am excited to get started...they should be here in 5-7 days and I can't wait!  I am so committed this time by far more committed than anytime in the past.  I need this and I am so excited to get this weight off and get it off for good!  Plus I am not planning on wasting any money and it was a little bit pricey.  I didn't get to workout today very much but I did some walking and I put together my sons new power wheels....that took me 2 hours and a lot of moving around on the floor, putting the thing together.... so needless to say I did a little bit of a workout - GO ME!! :)

A night at the museum....

I had a good night at the museum.  The museum is located downtown by the city library.  It is so amazing there.  We went to the museum and it was interesting.  I had never been before so I wasn't sure what The Leonardo had in store for me.  It was fun, I learned about DNA, played on the green screen and made some small video clips.  It was so interesting and nice just to be out.  It was also good to see my friend.  Even after the hurtful things it is hard for me not to forgive.  I just didn't bring up the past, it isn't worth it and I figure that I just have to move on in order to get through this part of my life.  So after the museum we went to the top of the city library.  It was beautiful and what an amazing view.

That is one of the things I love about this city, we sure have amazing views and the mountains are just breathtaking.

We then went to dinner.... now let me tell you something about dinner, I would have never guessed that the pasta bowl I had chose to eat had over 1300 calories in it.  I am thinking I should have checked the calories before ordering.  Not to fear though, I put over half of it in a box and was planning to take it for lunch today but decided the extra calories were just not worth it considering I have a visit to the doctors office tomorrow.  It was a good night and I stressed more than I should have.  I think things will be fine and if we don't hang out again I am okay with that.... I think I got my closure. 

I will post again tomorrow after the doctor....keeping my fingers crossed! 

How am I supposed to act??

I don't even know how I am supposed to act ....  I have made a few references to "my friend" who hurt me.... the one that I miss.  Well this friend has asked me to go to the museum with him tonight.  We haven't talked or hung out in almost a year.  I haven't changed much, I am still me, I am still overweight, my life hasn't changed I am still just ME.  I am working on ME that is probably the biggest  change.  I decided after thinking about it that I would go.... I want to see what he has to say after all these months that have passed by.  I am curious if I even really "miss" him... or if it was just my mind telling me that I do.  I am not sure how to feel about going to the museum with him.  I don't even know if I want to.  I am afraid of being hurt again, I am afraid of what will happen and I have all these crazy thoughts running through my head.  I am setting myself up not to be hurt and not to feel vulnerable in this situation.  I don't want to feel anything.  I wish there was a way to just be numb about the past and forget it and move on.  But when something is so hurtful it is hard to forget those things and just move past them.  I am so confused and don't even know what to say or how to act.....I want to just be ME, but being ME in this situation is hard.  I am emotional, I have feelings I am supposed to ... I can't just turn them off.  Even if I wanted to... which I do... it is impossible!  I wish this was easy, but nothing in life is easy...if that were the case I wouldn't be where I am today.  I am not letting this get in my way of taking care of ME and of my healthiness goals because that is why I am here.  Maybe it is a good stepping stone and a way to cure what has been going on in my head and these feelings I have had about missing him... maybe just maybe this is a good thing and it won't be as bad as I keep thinking it will.  I will update after my museum visit tonight....I am hoping that things go well and that things are put into perspective.

It's only Tuesday...

I had the best weekend.  I spent it hanging out with my best buddies!  They are so much fun  to be around and we had such a good time just being silly!  We went to dinner it was so nice the weather has been amazing and we were able to sit outside on this little patio.  Patio dining is my favorite!  I love eating outside and just people watching.  I had chicken Parmesan for dinner and only ate half.  I put half in the box for the next night but forgot to grab it out of my roommates car.  It is the first weekend since Christmas since my X has taken my son overnight.  It was nice to get out for a little silliness and some adult time, but I miss him like crazy whenever he is gone. 

Me and my BFF..... Just having a fun time.

Me, my roommate and my BFF.... Just being silly :)

It has been so hot in the house the last couple days that I just haven't felt like doing anything...and I mean anything... even getting up to use the bathroom seems like this horrible chore, and forget sleeping in this kind of heat.  It is only in the 80's right now but in the 80's outside means even warmer inside.  I can't wait to get my cooler hooked up and get a little air going through this place, but until then I will just have to settle on having the windows and doors open and hope no little creatures crawl or fly into my house.....I hate bugs! :) 
I have been doing pretty good on my eating but man this exercise things is kicking me in the you know what!  I just can't get into anytime of good groove!  The only thing I have going for me right now is the fact that I walk into the building from the parking lot, take the stairs and walk out..... I guess it is something right and something is better than nothing, although it still isn't good enough (and I know it).  Tonight I am making my son's favorite, mac and cheese and hot dogs... it isn't on the list of great foods to eat but I have saved enough calories today so that it will work.  The last couple nights I have had chicken burgers - which by my books - are absolutely fabulous and probably the best thing invented :) well this week anyways!  Life is still crazy so I am making what I can out of it and trying to do the best and be the best me I can be.... I know I will get there and I know it takes time. :) One step at a time, one day at a time... I will do this and I know I will... I am sticking to my not weighing in until Saturday....the scale freaks me out everytime I get close to it and I am thinking it might bite me so I am staying away.... I will post Saturday how good/bad I have done.  I know I was up from when I started so I am going off of whatever happens this week to determine where I am at and where I need to get to.... I am trying to FOCUS on me and get off the negative. :)

My daily motivation :)

I need some motivation today I am feeling a little down.  I am still missing my friend and that has been eating at me the last few weeks.  I want to write him a letter to let him know how he made me feel but I know by doing that he will probably reply with something pathetic and make me feel a whole lot worse about myself.  So until I am feeling better about things I will wait to send any type of letter.  I am in a good place right now but I feel like I could be in a better spot than I am so I am working on that.  I need to remember what the qoute on the side says and realize that if my friend truly cared about me these things wouldn't have mattered to him.   So here is more daily motivation.....

I need all the motivation I can get.  I am working hard at becoming better.

Who I am:

I am a girl.

I am a woman.

I am a mom.

I am a daughter.

I am a sister.

I am a niece.

I am a best friend.

I am a friend.

I am beautiful.

I am a hard worker.

I am fun.

I am a good person.

I love with all my heart.

I tend to take things very personal.

I am amazing.
I am me.

I am the only me that I have.... and I have to take care of this me.

I want to live a long happy healthy life.

I am stubborn.

I hate the grocery store.

I love the outdoors.

I love to take walks in the park.

I enjoy going to the zoo.

I want for my son to grow up happy and healthy.

I am funny.

I love to laugh.

I love to smile.

I love to love.

A walk to the box.....

I took a short walk today to the mailbox with my son.... he rode his bike and I walked.  It was nice to get out of the house after being inside working all day.  I loved the fresh air and the sun finally came out and was shining it was beautiful.  I love being outdoors it is so relaxing.  I didn't walk far but I did a half a mile and I figured that had to count for something because at least I was moving.  The wind was blowing a little but it was certainly a nice change from the rain that has been moving through the city over the last few days.  My son is so silly today, he thinks that he is buzz light year and is wearing his buzz light year Halloween costume, he makes me laugh and is truly one of the reasons why I am on this amazing journey each and everyday.

I am trying to decide what to fix for dinner tonight.... I jumped on the scale this morning and it hasn't gone down.  I think I am going to wait until my next doctors appointment on the 28th before I weigh in again.  It is so disappointing to not see the number move when you feel that you are doing everything right.  I know I need to get in some more exercise, however as for eating I am doing what I am supposed to.  I have been watching everything and I have really been thinking about everything that goes into my mouth.  I think I need to start tracking it though in a notebook so that I make sure I am not missing any calories.  I might start that next week after I make a trip to the store. 

I miss my friend..... the one who wasn't very nice to me.  I know it sounds silly, but I do..... I miss him, it has been a year now since we talked and it just feels so strange.  I went on vacation recently and it was like everything I did I kept thinking about the times that he was with me and how we used to do those things.  I just need to move on and I am trying but it is hard.  I think that is why I  am writing how I feel here so I can get it out of my head.  I am so used to everyone saying time heals and yes for some things it certainly does but in this case I didn't get any closure and I think that is why it bothers me so much.... I need to focus on me though and my journey...... so I am going to try to put it in the past and move on.

PFG

I have never had anyone following my blog until today so I never mentioned that I had applied to become a writer on the prior fat girl website.  I have read the blog for years now and thought what a great opportunity it would be to blog on the site so that maybe others would read my journey and follow along with me on my way to losing over 130 pounds.  I didn't mention that I had applied because no one was reading my posts here or following my blog.  I am happy that I had applied and I was even happier when I was chosen to become a finalist.  I wasn't sure how it would work but I was super excited.... I was excited to get my story out there and see if others might relate to me and my journey.  I didn't have many relate to my journey and my journey had one of the lowest amounts of votes.  I am okay with that and I am so happy that they found 2 new writers that I can start following along with their journey as well as continue on my own.  The disappointment in not getting to be a writer on the blog and in the fact that I had one of the lowest amounts of votes made me that much more motivated to continue on my journey.  I have a purpose and it is to lose weight and become healthy.... priorfat girl blogging or blogging here I have the same goal.  It made me realize that I need my blog right now for me and that if others choose to follow along I am all the happier.  I enjoy writing and I am working on me for me, I realize that when applying to wrtie on the priorfatgirl website that the post I wrote to get nominated didn't tell everyone who I am as much as I would have liked it to.  So in the next couple a days I will write about where I started, what happened and how far I have come to this point.  I will write about my struggles with my weight loss and the fact that almsot 20 relatives have had weight loss surgery and why I choose to try to get healthy my way and not go under the knife....  I am proud of what I am doing and how far I have come since choosing to write this blog about my weight loss.  I am working on hard and doing good things.  I have been eating healthy and trying to excercise but I will be honest excercise and I don't go hand in hand we aren't really close friends if that tells you anything but I am trying and that is all I can do.... :)

Lettuce Wrap Tacos....and Jelly Beans

I am in love with lettuce wraps.  I love them.  I think they are my new favorite food.  I had a lettuce wrap at work for lunch on Friday.  It was delicious, it had turkey and a slice of provolone and a little dab of mayo., super good!  So last night we made homemade taco wraps, they were almost even more delicious then my turkey cheese lettuce wrap.  It was super filling and tasted delicious!  I think the wraps are going to be a favorite in my house for awhile.  I love finding new things that taste good and are low calorie and filling!

Today was a spring like day it was beautiful compared to the downpours we have had the last few days.  We went to the store, and then we decorate my roommates coworkers office for her Birthday tomorrow.  We then went to the Sunflower Market.  I love that place they have so many things to look at.... but there wasn't enough time for that my 5 year old was so tired and needed a nap badly.  He normally doesn't need to take one but today was an exception.  We came home and snuggled up on the couch watching Alvin and the Chipmunck Chipwrecked, it is a cute movie.  We both took a little snooze then got up.  He is outside playing for awhile that way he will go to sleep tonight. 

So for Easter my roommate bought soooo many bags of Jelly Beans all different flavors, Starburst, Nerds, Jolly Ranchers...I can't wait for them to be gone and out of the house.  I think I might have to secretly start throwing handfuls of them into the trash..... I love Jelly Beans and having them in the house is such a huge temptation.  I only have a couple but every one of them adds up.... Ugh! 

Well tomorrow I am going to write out all of my goals and what I am going to get at each milestone!  I am so excited.  I go back to the Dr. on the 28th and I am super excited to see how I am doing and if I have lost anything...according to my scale I have a loss but I want to see what the Dr. says and then I will post about it.  My first goal is to lose 30 pounds and then I will go from there. :)  Enjoy the rest of your Sunday....looking forward to Monday!

Life Suckers

You know those life sucking people?  The kind that when you are around them they just suck the life out of you?  The kind you avoid reading things they write because they just ruin your good energy... I am trying to rid myself of those type of people and the negative energy.  They are the type of people that just don't make you feel good about yourself or about anything you are doing...they are life suckers.  A quick story on this.... I know I am overweight and I know I need to lose weight.  I have been an up and down person on the scale forever.  I think even once I named my scale the teeter totter.... up one week down the next up one week, up, up, up....until you don't go down anymore.  So at one point I was down and I was feeling good about being me and losing weight.  A "friend" of mine gave me a pair of pretty cute jeans, they had flowers on the butt and at the time they were in style you could say.  I had them on and I was complaining about the front pockets bulging out all the time, now mind you I know that sometimes pockets do this if you are overweight and the pants don't fit right, but these pants fit perfectly fine and were actually a little big "score".  This particular "friend" said to me, well if you lost some weight they might not bulge like that.  These pants were only doing it because they were not sewn properly.... needless to say a year later she asked for her pants back because she wanted them and wanted to start wearing them and I told her no problem they were to big for me anyways (which at the time they were).  It is those type of friends and people in your lives that you need to get away from the negative people that push you down every time you think you have found your ^^ UP ^^ the life suckers..... I am starting to rid myself of these types of "friends" because they truly are not. 
I am finding myself little by little day by day and starting to realize that I am worth it and I don't need to surround myself with negative energy because it doesn't help my weight loss situation in anyway.

I am proud of myself..... I have eaten healthy for the last 2 days, I have done a little exercise not much but I am getting there and I haven't taken the elevator yet and we are half way through the month of April... I have even had days were I have had to go to the 1st floor several times and then back up to my seat and not once have I pushed the button.  I am reaching my goals they are a long ways out but I know that I can reach them and I am making shorter goals with good rewards so I have something to work towards.  I will post more on that later.  Until then have a great day!

Vacation over....time to buckle down.

Vacation is over.... it is time to buckle down to a schedule and a plan.  I am so excited I received my lunch bag and containers.  I can't wait to use them this week. :)  I have decided to plan out my meals Monday through Friday.  I am only eating out lunch once a month.  A friend of mine and I have a date one Friday a month to go out and get lunch.  We try new places sometimes and it is a nice time to get out and away from the office.  I am still taking the stairs everyday and haven't jumped on the elevator at all..... super proud of myself!  I am still getting used to having the treadmill at home and I am planning out a weekly schedule.  I am good at sticking to a schedule or planning things out so that is what I am going to work on this week. 
I am going to do this....I don't want to let life pass me by as I sit on the couch and watch it.....I want to be a part of life and enjoy my son and my family and I love my life and I want to love it even more, not from the sidelines!  I am so excited for this journey. 
So many things have been going on lately and with my vacation it was hard to stay on track but I am back. :)  Nothing much more to write about today but I will let you all in on something I am thinking about .....maybe in a later post this week or maybe next week.  It is exciting and scary all at the same time and something I haven't really given much thought to before so we will see. 

Vacation

I am going on a trip! A road trip to be exact.... I am so excited to get out of the city and head to Las Vegas!! I am also excited to celebrate my sons 5th Birthday! Yes, I can't believe my baby is going to be 5. I love him so much and he is a huge reason to fight for my healthiness. I want to be here for many, many more Birthdays. I am excited for this trip. It is the first time I have taken a vacation with just my mom for a really long time. My Aunt and my 2 younger cousins will also be there but really I get to spend time with my mom and I am super excited about that. I love my mom so much and I don't know what I would do without her. She is such a good friend and I rely on her a lot. She watches my son during the day so that I don't have to pay for daycare and I am super grateful for everything she does for me everyday.

Vacations are a little crazy because of all the eating out that you do but I am prepared. I know what I have to do. I have my nifty apps and I am able to find out how many calories are in the foods I am going to eat and I can even track which foods I eat so that I make sure I am not over my calorie limit.  I also have some snacks packed that I can take with me in the car in case I get hungry while driving.  It is so easy to just pull into a gas station and grab some snacks....and we all know that snacks in the gas station are not that healthy.  I am prepared and I am feeling so good about going on this vacation.  I am also super excited to have a few days off from work and be able to do something fun with my family.  Being a single mom it isn't often that you get to take vacations as they seem to add up and become very expensive so I am so happy that I have this chance to go. :)  I am leaving tomorrow after work and it is going to be so much fun!!  I can hardly wait and I keep watching the clock just hoping time moves a little faster. 

I am also super excited because I ordered some nifty food containers today from www.easylunchboxes.com as recommended on the PFG website.  I am super excited for them to come I ordered the containers and a new lunch sack to put them in..  I can't wait to use them when I get back from Vacation!!  I am super excited to try them. :)  Yay for new things to make life easier and make it easier to pack my lunches during the week.  

VACATION!! :)

Spring like day....

I feel very good about my last post, it got a lot off of my mind and made me feel like I can move on and not look back.  Sometimes writing about how someone made you feel is like that and is needed and gives you that opportunity to put it aside and move on which is what I have done....
I am so excited for spring/summer.  It is the perfect time to be outside doing what I love.  I am so over winter.  Yesterday was a beautiful spring day.  I woke up in the morning and went to my Dr. appointment....to only discovered I had gained a few pounds. :\  I thought I had been doing everything right.  However I won't complain as much because a few of the pounds that I gained were lean muscle mass.  However anytime you gain it is discouraging ...when you are trying so hard to lose.  I have been working really hard I haven't taken the elevator at all and I am making a new goal to not take it the entire month of April.  I also have been walking on the treadmill which for me even moving off of my couch is a huge accomplishment.  I have also been eating healthy and doing really well not eating out. I know what I need to do and I am working on it for sure.  I am going on vacation in a couple of days and I know what I can and can't eat at restaurants that we might be going to.  So I don't feel to overwhelmed about going on this vacation.  So back to my spring day.... after the Dr., we went to the park.  I love the park, I love to walk around, people watch and enjoy the beautiful weather with my son.  I went with my roommate, friend and my son.... the only thing that sucked was the horrible wind we were having.  Even though yesterday was a beautiful warm spring day with the high hitting almost 80, today is cold and we are expecting snow showers in the valley.  The weather here can be so unpredictable.  I can't wait for weeks full of warm weather to spend evenings outside at the park with my son or just being able to take a walk while he rides his bike outdoors.  I am not a huge fan of winter because I am overweight and not able to enjoy many of the winter activities (I am sure I could enjoy them, but I don't).  I am hoping next year is different and I will be able to enjoy some of the winter activities that I used to enjoy like sledding and pretending I knew how to ski. :)  I also love spring/summer because I love to BBQ, love grilled chicken and turkey burgers .... love having people over with fresh salads.  I can't wait as the good weather is expected soon and I am ready for it.  I also can't wait to go on vacation and even better my boy is turning 5!!  I am so excited and love being a mom!  That is another reason I am on this healthiness journey so that I can be here for my son and enjoy running around with him at the park! 

How you made me feel.....a reflection.

So if I am honest and I am putting it all out there then why not say something about one of the people who has hurt me the most.  A person that I considered to be my Best Friend.  I am writing this post only because I feel like this had a huge impact on me, my life, who I am and where I am now.  It isn't the reason I am overweight, the reason I am who I am as it doesn't define me, but it impacted me.  There are always certain things in your life that impact you, past issues, things that happened in your life and multiple other things that may have contributed to your weight gain, weight loss etc., the thing that matters the most is figuring out the reasons behind your overeating.  Try to figure out what is behind it and find a common balance or a control over it.
What happened to me was a sad situation.  I am not the perfect friend or do I claim to be, but I feel like I am a good friend, I am one of those friend that will have your back almost always (although my friend told me to cross out the almost part).
My Best Friend hurt me.  I am not sure he realizes he hurt me.  I am not sure he even realizes how I feel.  What he said changed me.  You would think that what he said would make me want to go out and have weight loss surgery, crash diet, lose weight the unhealthy way....It didn't, it didn't even make me want to get healthy, what it did was hurt, it hurt more than I could probably even describe in words.  I am someone who eats out of boredom, sadness, hurt feelings, feelings of defeat that is who I am.  I realize that now, I also wouldn't do the crazy things described above no matter how anyone made me feel.  However, instead of doing the things I knew I should I did everything I shouldn't.  I knew that I should be "getting healthy for me" but instead of doing that, I ate.  I felt sad, I felt hurt, I felt betrayed and I felt like if my Best Friend can't love me for who I am then who can.  Completely the wrong attitude but at the time I wasn't in a good place like I am now.  Part of the reason I haven't written about it before now.  So here is goes now that you have a little history.

I met him 11 years ago, when I wasn't thin but I was healthy.  Through the years we have always been friends, even though I liked him more than that.  We were friends during my relationship with my X, through my pregnancy through his various trips across country.  We were friends, we were Best Friends.  During the years my weight fluctuated and when I delivered my son I was at an all time high of 305lbs., it had ups and downs and I lost some and gained more but we were still friends, amazing friends.  We were the kind of friends who always had fun together even if it was spending New Years eve in a grocery store, driving around town looking at houses, taking road trips together it was always an adventure and always fun.  I enjoyed being with him.  I enjoyed being with him so much that I would cancel plans with other people just to hang out with him.  I talked to him on the computer when he was out of the country we talked about being together a few times.  I made time for him.  I enjoyed spending time with him at his home in the mountains, 4th of July in the city he lived in.... My X and I were going through some rough patches we weren't doing good and were probably not going to stay together.  I spent a lot of time going to the gym and meeting up with him, we were friends before my X and I had ever gotten together so it wasn't strange for me to be around him.  I would meet up with my Best Friend at the gym and I would workout on the treadmill walking and watch him play basketball down below.  It was a lot easier to go to the gym because he gave me a reason to want to go.  Yes I was on this healthiness journey for me, but how much easier it was to have a partner in this journey and someone that I truly cared about right there along side of me doing it with me.  My feelings had grown strongly for him.  My X and I split up and I was alone alot had alot of free time on the weekends my X had our son.  We spent more and more time together and in my mind I thought we would be perfect together for each other.  I mean why not have a relationship with my Best Friend.  We enjoy the same things we always have fun we love spending time together so why not??  I am not so good with words in person so I decided to put it out there in writing, I mean why shouldn't I..... we were already spending countless hours together hanging out so why shouldn't I let him know how I felt, we had joked about it in the past so why not now?  Here is why-
I contemplate for a week on sending my email - His reply "maybe" I would be perfect for him in a lot of ways he said.... We get along, we have fun together and I am agreeable which would be perfect for him with his bullheadedness, but he wasn't sure I was on my healthiness journey for me and he felt like I was doing it maybe more for him.  Basically he didn't want to date me because I was overweight and he didn't want to be with someone who was overweight....the "maybe" was his nice way of saying "if you weren't fat, I would consider it".  One of the most hurtful responses ever.....he broke my heart.... I wasn't good enough for him, I wasn't good enough for my Best Friend who knew me everything about me but my weight was the reason I wasn't good enough for him.  It did it broke my heart, I cried, I ate and I stopped going to the gym - the last thing I wanted to do was run into him there.  My weight hit an all time high of 320lbs.  I felt defeated, I felt lost and I felt like a part of me had been taken away and squashed into little pieces.  I know now that this isn't the reason I am overweight but it did have a huge impact on me into stopping what I knew about getting healthy.  Well I am not going to let anyone stop me anymore.  This is my fight my journey and I promise that no one is going to make me feel like nothing anymore.  I can't wait for the day I run into him again because he might be looking at me but I know for sure that I won't be looking at him. My Journey my life......I am the one in control of it and I am the one who will change it. 

Moving more :)

I am doing it ... Doing something I haven't done before. Doing something I keep saying I am going to do and then not doing. 3 days down for taking the stairs so I haven't taken the elevator at all since I posted that I wasn't going to for the rest of the month. I also bought the treadmill it is going to be so nice having it in the house. This morning I contemplated getting up or sleeping for 20 more min... Guess what?!? I got up, jumped on the treadmill and walked for 20 minutes. I know it was only 20 minutes, but it was 20 more minutes more than I walked yesterday or the day before that or before that.....etc....etc... It is something and for that I am super proud of myself. This is my journey and if I am not going to do it then who is going to? No one else can make you do anything so the fire has to be inside of you!! I have the fire and I am going to burn the joint down - determination - this is in me and I am going to fight my way to getting healthy! :)

I am treading...

I have decided that the best thing for me is to buy a treadmill.  I am heading out this morning to go get a really nice one that I found.  It is a little expensive however I am excited about buying it.  I found this Awesome workout that will fit me since I have a long way to go.  It starts out slow but eventually within 12 weeks I will be walking 40-60 minutes daily.  I need that because I don't want to start out to quickly.  www.thewalkingsite.com This is the site that I am going to use to start out, you should check it out.  There is a 12 week walking plan on there.  I am so excited to get started on this walking journey.  I am so excited to be on this healthniess journey.  It is something really good for me and I know it will be worth it.  I just want to be healthy.  I know for some people being healthy means, losing weight, the number on the scale, etc.  Being healthy for me is being able to run with my son, play with him out in the yard, take him to the park and be actively involved instead of sitting on the sidelines.  Being healthy means being able to walk up the 2 flights of stairs (the ones I am taking instead of the elevator) without running out of breath.  To walk into a normal store and buy a shirt without having to go to the "big", "fat", "plus" size section.  I hate being a label and that is what overweight people are they are a label.  I mean for example I have to buy a more expensive treadmill because I am to overweight for some of the less expensive ones.  It is just crazy to me but that is how things work we are all a label in one way or another.  What do you want your label to say?

My water bottle collection

I have found that I have quite the collection of water bottles laying around. The ones on my nightstand below....

I also have another collection at work. I really need to get a good water bottle that filters my water so that I can get away from using water bottles. It is probably my worst habit. I drink most of it and then usually have about 1/2 inch of water left in the bottom and then I just keep them laying around. I am not sure of the reason. Sometimes I use them to water my plants so I think that is why...but it really would be smarter of me to just buy a good water bottle and lose the plastic bottles all together. I really don't like them and I know they are not good for the earth. I also drink about 3-4 of them a day beside the water I drink in my water cup that I have at work. I have a water cup at work because the water at work is already filtered so I can just fill up the cup, however the water at home is not filtered and I have a thing against drinking water from the tap. There is just something about tap water that doesn't taste right to me and so I prefer filtered water.

On another note, I did what I said I was going to do and I took the stairs up this morning at work. I am so proud of me. It seriously was a thought process...the elevator was right there and I thought about jumping on it. But I made a promise to myself that I was going to become more active and not taking the elevator is a good start. So there I went bag in hand and took the stairs it was amazing and I didn't even feel out of breath when I got to the top because I was so proud of myself for doing what I said I was going to do and not backing out of it like I usually do. I feel good about my choice. I am doing this and it feels really good to do something for me and something that I have set my mind to do, not just the elevator but everything the whole healthniess journey. I am sure there will be bumps in the road but I am ready for the challenge. :)

2nd floor elevator

2nd floor …. I love to say I sit on the 2nd floor. I wish I sat near the windows however. It is so nice on the 2nd floor much different then being on the 1st floor. It is like a whole new world up here. People are more friendly, they include you in everything and in general I just like it more. I was on the 1st floor for a little over 9 years. So moving to the 2nd floor was definitely a change and a change from just walking in the door and right to my desk which was super close to the door. I now walk a bit further from my car to the door and I have the choice to either catch the elevator up or take the stairs. My desk isn’t close to the elevator or close to the stairs but it isn’t that far away either. My weight is certainly an issue, I have taken the stairs a few times and I am out of breath by the time I get to the top of them. So I don’t take them I get to work in the morning and I hop on the elevator up to the 2nd floor. I know people are probably thinking you have trouble going up 2 flights of stairs. I am not going to lie – yes I have trouble. I take the stairs going down and the elevator up. My thought process has always been well I take them….but I guess that was my thought process before. However, starting today I am making a new goal and that is to not take the elevator for the rest of the month, yes I know the month is almost over and there is only technically including today 8 more working days for me but I am hoping that by making this goal that it will turn into not taking the elevator unless “I really need to”. I am trying to move more. In the past eating healthy has just worked for me and I was dropping weight but once I hit my high weight it seems that nothing has been working…. Moving more has got to help and I have seen it help others so that is what I am doing moving more, eating healthy and taking my life one step at a time. It is all a process. I know I can do this I know how to do this and now I just need to do this. This isn’t about anyone else this is about me and my journey and that is how it should be. I love me and I want me to be around for a long time.